Educate Me

Last night I went to a lecture on campus with my roommate(Erik) and his GF(Brianne). I didn't know anything about the speaker, except that she was going to talk about MLK and something or other about racism. I was pleasantly surprised at what she had to say. The speaker's name was Peggy McIntosh and her focus was on white privilege. Although I would be happy to write on this specific lecture, I had a realization. I love to learn. Of course I could care less about some of the classes I've had to take in college, but knowledge is something I am drawn to.
My freshman and sophomore year I went to several lectures like these. I absolutely love these. Before I ever went I would see fliers on boards around campus and think "what do they have to say that I would possibly want to hear." But eventually I darkened the doorway of one of these talks and I was blown away. The first lecture I went to was a man who was talking about his experiences in World War II. His name is Jack Van der Geest, and if you want to read an incredible story he has a book called "Was God on Vacation?" To give you a short rundown of his story he was sent to a concentration camp for resisting the Nazis. In the camp he was force to work in the experimental medical section of the camp where they experimented on humans. Eventually he decided to escape by hiding in a pile of dead bodies. While in the pile he overpowered and killed a guard and was able to escape. But once he was free he immediately joined the British and fought in the war. Check it out.
Another great talk I got to see was Salmon Rushdie. I don't know if there is a more prolific icon that has been to MSU. He had an amazing stance when it came to free speech. I personally don't think it is ok when KKK membered are allowed to speak hate and have the right to. But Salmon made a point of saying that free speech should be for everyone or no one. The example he used was when he wrote the Satanic Verses that angered the Ayatollah to the point that they put a price on his head and wanted him dead. At some point later the Ayatollah wanted to make a movie about Salmon depicting him as a horrible, cruel, and brutal man. Killing people for pleasure. But the movie had to be shown in England where Rushdie lived and he had to approve of the movie. Any sane person would just say no to a slanderous movie, but Salmon let the movie play. Amazing.
Sorry, again this was longwinded but my point is that there is so much to learn out there. There is so much that we should hear. If only we would take the time to allow people to speak to us.

Are You Kidding Me?

Well Brianne told my I hadn't blogged in a while, so I went back and looked at my huge folder of drafts and I saw this one. It is old, about a month. It is basically a summary of the semester for me. Nothing special I suppose, but I must say I like this one. I like it because I think I did a decent job of capturing my feelings at the time. I also like it because I've moved far past this and I feel great, for the first time in a long time. So enjoy, if such a feeling is possible from reading someone's blog

hmm another semester come and gone. But this one was quite different from the rest. I suppose they all stand on their own but this one diverges from the classic mold a bit. First I don't think I've ever been so sleep deprived in my life. I hadn't really considered myself a night owl, but this semester seemed like every week I was experiencing way too much life between the hours of 2 am to 4 am. I got really good at napping. Really good. It was very commonplace for me to nap on campus for at least 2 hours at time at least once a week. A couple weeks ago I napped for 3 hours. Is that really napping at that point? Anyway I also think this semester has been the least appealing academic wise. For starters my best grade is going to be in the class that I did the least amount of work for. In fact that trend goes along for all my classes. I'm getting the worst grade in a class that I busted my butt in. WTF? I don't know I haven't been the best student this semester. But that is always a possibility when you are depressed. Oh yeah, I was pretty unhappy for the majority of this semester. I don't know if I can say depressed, but unhappy for sure. It's not like I walked around everywhere with a frowny-face, I had lots of fun, but when all was said and done the resounding feeling inside me was discontent, sadness. Looking back it seems to have stemmed from several things. Mostly it was my desire coupled with the inability to change certain situations around me. It just seems like my core group of friends has fallen apart this semester. It's not because we are all busy and moved away from each other or whatnot. That is bull. Some issues have arose, and for some reason no one wants to fix them, work at them. We all had fun in the summer, but the summer is over now. I don't get it. You have to get over it, be flexible and willing to admit fault. You need to forgive and start over sometimes. I've said this before and I'll say it again: if friendships can be wrecked that easily then they were never real at all, it was a front. But I think that deep down we know that they were and real and we are just being stubborn for no reason. Sometimes, and only for brief moments, I wish I had a Dr. Phil personality that just wanted to be the mediator and get people together and work things out. But another observation I've made about this semester is that things work themselves out on a timeline that we can't see or predict. That is a big reason why I was sad: I couldn't accept that I was unable to just snap my fingers and fix my problems. I got discouraged when my efforts towards redemption and reconciliation were thwarted, seemingly. In turn I stopped making the effort. I remember many times lying in my bed not getting up for the day. I didn't get up because I was tired or needed my sleep, rather I didn't have the will to get up. I was paralyzed by this feeling that there was no reason that could justify my getting up, there was no point. Afterall if I got up I would have to face these hardships that we certainly waiting outside my door.

Great Expectations

If you have ever read the book Great Expectations, hopefully you can agree with me in that the author brilliantly portrays a potential flaw that many of us carry with us. Great expectations: I've had quite a few, and what I've come to believe is that they are not to be taken lightly. When we expect something the possibility exists that we will be let down. Life rarely goes the way you plan, and there is defeat when you are counting on something and it falls through. Great expectations can also be unfair. To tip the scales in your mind on how a situation should pan out, to hope for words from a friend, that your brother or sister will suddenly want to take an interest in your life. Isn't that just forcing them, willing them to do what you wish for? Even if they concede, was it on their own or because they were nudged toward that decision? However there is merit to these expectations. Without hope life in my experience seems less worth living. Without something to strive and pray for, how can we (I) go on? Yes life does go on, but with a heavy heart. And not to condone the overused, tacky, cliche sayings like "shoot for the moon and you will land among the stars" but we must have higher goals in our lives. Things that might be unreachable to us, yes unattainable situations. But what are we if we cease to strive, to struggle and to achieve? I leave that answer up to you. As per usual the balance, in this case farfetched dreams vs. hopeful persistance, is the issue. But the balance has not been defined, no one can look it up. They must derive it by living and come to their own conclusion. And I hope there is variation to the answer, because how boring is a single answer to a problem that everyone deals with. I myself don't know the answer but I'm going to start looking.

Where Did This Come From?

So this weekend I reluctantly attended a party being put on by the Undergraduate Chemistry Society. Like a party party, with beer and games and so on. I wanted to go and at least see what the students I've been taking classes with for the last 4 years are like outside the classroom. I literally haven't spent anytime with anyone of my fellow chemistry majors outside the university...sad, kinda. On the whole the chem majors are fairly socially normal, and it's not that they aren't interesting, they are just more dedicated to school than I am, these days I care about Young Life more than school. I really had no idea what I was in store for. So there I was: walking in the door to this party and there are people playing quarters, others just chatting. It looked like your average party. I was quickly ushered in to play quarters, then on to beer pong? Who are these people? They haven't ever so much as hinted towards a social life in class yet here I am. So I learned this night that I'm rather good at beer pong, which not exactly something to be proud of, it basically means you drink a whole lot. Finally my team lost(thank goodness) and I was relieved from drinking for a while. I wandered back into the kitchen/living room area, and tried to get a bearing on the conversations and groups that were occupying this space. At the kitchen table they were playing P & A(presidents and assholes) which quite frankly is too complicated of a game when there is alcohol involved, maybe that is the point. I decided against joining that game and sat a nearby couch. It should have been apparent to me sooner but across the couch were two electric guitars, an acoustic, a stand up bass and a piano. I didn't know whose they were but I was kind of in the mood to play a little guitar, so I picked up one of the electric guitars and turned on the amp that it was plugged into. Now I'm a struggling guitarist, that is a sure statement, but when I strummed the first chord, 4 or 5 heads turned immediately with excited curiosity. I never knew it till that night that, but a handful of my fellow majors are pretty decent musicians; one of them is even a music minor. So one jumped on the acoustic guitar, another began plucking the bass, and a couple huddled around the piano for an accompaniment. And we began learning each other's favorite songs and teaching them for the next several hours. There was this unspoken feeling that I could sense between all of us. It was so exciting to know that we shared a common passion that wasn't chemistry. It was fantastic. One of the girls had to leave early and in a slur of words she blurted out: "we'll play again soon, when I'm not so drunk, ok?" This was crazy, in one night, in one hour I went from a polite classmate relationship with several people to planning jam sessions and wanting, yearning to know more about our collective love for music. I can't sing a play very well together, but as the night was nearing an end, I lost my inhibition and went out on a limb. I played one of my favorite Dispatch songs and those around quickly joined in with me to sing. I think I may have gotten a few applause, but it just felt right. In that moment, at that place, with those people I felt right at home. Yet in reality we are still nearly strangers to each other. But this connection with music was real and it was strong. It was quite strange really how the night progressed. I ended up leaving at about 4 in the morning, completely wiped out, completely satisfied. My time will be short lived with some of these people as some will be graduating in the spring, but I hope there will be more good times with them. I hope this bond we formed can last the short while before we move on. That was so much fun. Man I love music

What a Waste

Well I sat down to check my blog between my classes today. I read some new posts from friends and then thought about writing a new entry. Just out of curiosity I checked for any posts that I had left unfinished to find that I have 7 drafts waiting. And I probably won't ever post them. Is that defeating the purpose of blogging? I mean this is supposed to be an outlet for me, to express my thoughts and ideas in words. But when I become self-conscious or unsatisfied with what I write, what do I do? When everything I write has the same sad, defeated tone? When the verses I write all sound like a broken record? Even if I decided that it would be worth getting these forgotten posts out in the open I no longer feel the way I did when I wrote them. It seems false, it seems unfair. But still they are there, letting me know they are not going away. I also can't bring myself to erase these pieces that I won't finish or publish, so what is the point anyway? I think to some extent I've been abusing the idea of a blog: it should be for others as much or more as it is for myself. I can keep a private journal for things that I don't wish to divulge. I shouldn't feel the need to post every thought that crosses my mind, only what I feel is pertinent for others to hear. Well it's Friday and I'm not going to let this get me down. After class I'm going to activate the satellite radio that I won from a Halloween costume contest(pictures will follow soon).

What A Nube

That was embarrassing. Somehow I managed to get halfway through the title of my latest entry and I accidentally hit Ctrl P and posted it. Anyway my original title was
The Mind, Prone To Wander
The mind is a very peculiar thing, don't you think? Take today for example: Mondays are especially busy for me. This one was even more so. I have to juggle class, a meeting, Young Life club, and then school work and research. I gave the talk tonight so most of the day I was trying to prepare for that. But right in the midst of all this chaos, my mind began to go the strangest places. For whatever reason I found myself thinking about funerals. I wasn't thinking about the ceremony so much as the funerals that I attended in high school. I couldn't be sure but 3 funerals in 3 years seems like a lot to me. The first funeral I attended was when I was 16. My parents weren't there, I went with a friend because the funeral was for this guy Travis that we worked with. Needless to say the funeral freaked me out and made me really depressed for a while. It was an open casket, and furthermore to greet the family you had to walk right by it. I was pretty close to losing it. The sight of a body without life in it was too much for me. To see the body without the soul that I had known was a terrible sight to see.
The next funeral was for a friend's dad. Car accident. My buddy Ryan's little brother was learning to drive with the dad and their Jeep rolled. What a tragedy. That really messed up that family. The next year Ryan and I were in the same psychology class which only consisted of 3 projects that were all completely open ended. All 3 of Ryan's projects dealt heavily on the loss of his father. Ryan and I had been playing on sports teams since junior high and so we knew each other decently well. What always surprised me about Ryan was that he would always ask me about things we had talked about months or years prior, wanting genuinely to know how this or that turned out. His memory and the way he showed he cared were amazing. Ryan I just want to say that I'm really proud for how you handled that situation. You had to become the man of the family very quickly and I think you were a great model for you brother and sisters. My heart is with you man.
The last funeral was for another friend's dad. My friend's name was also Ryan, and I know that all funerals are sad, but this one was heartbreaking. Ryan's dad died of a heart attack 1 day before his 44th birthday. Again, Ryan being the oldest instantly became the man of the family, to his 2 younger siblings. I literally have never cried, no sobbed, so much in my entire life. Ryan read this "letter" to his dad at the service and it just broke me down. It still brings tears to my eyes even now writing about it almost 4 years later. Ryan you are very much still on my mind and I can't even come close to knowing what you felt back then, and even now. But one thing is for sure: you were courageous. You stepped up and anyone should be proud to call you a friend. I know that you are still living up to those things you said in that letter to you dad that day.
Even after analyzing my thoughts I can't figure out what made me think of that. It is so strange how things you haven't thought of for so long are at the front of you mind in an instant. What a complicated thing God created when he made us. Well that's all I have on the subject, see you the next time around.

Your Smiling Face

The days are hard
But my eyes are not looking down
You seem so far
But I know you'll come around
Girl don't be shy
I know you can be brave
And if you come it is me that you'll save

Your smile is all that I need
I am restless and I just can't get to sleep
When my days are cloudy
All I want to see
Is your smiling face
Your shining face
Your smiling face

Cause when I look into those eyes
I see love not compromise
And when I see you smile back at me
I know there is hope
I know you will set me free

Your smile is all that I need
I am restless and I just can't get to sleep
When my days are cloudy
All I want to see
Is your smiling face
Your shining face
Your smiling face

Another day and I'm frustrated
I made mistakes and I just can't take it
I feel like I'm losing control
My soul is feeling weak
You are what I lean on
You are what I seek
Where are you I wonder
The outlook now seems bleak

Because when I need you the most, you're not there
Your face is a ghost and you don't care
And I've paid the cost, I've laid my heart bare
Baby meet me there, please meet me there

Because your smile is all that I need
I am restless and I just can't get to sleep
When my days are cloudy
All I want to see
Is your smiling face
Your shining face
Your smiling face


When I finished this I was both excited and disappointed at the same time. I was excited because I think I can actually put this to music and make into an actual song. I was disappointed because this seems so simple/cliche/weak sauce. But maybe writing something simple can help me build on song writing which is something I really want to get better at. We'll see what happens, I don't think I'll be a Garrett Gue any time soon though. He is a jerk for being so talented(from above) but you should check him out.

A Day in Passing

A guy spits
Pompoms on hats bob
Rain drips off of coats
High heels clicking on the sidewalk
A girl rushes to get out of the weather
A biker pedals hard uphill
Some are chilled to the bone,
others seem proud of their rain boots
An artist protects her work from the weather

Hoods and umbrellas keep people hidden
Eyes on the wet pavement
Scowls, frowns, and furrowed brows are worn by all
Ducks wander from their home to new puddles formed
Every building exterior seems to sweat, the window panes cry
Shoe soles squeak on the floor, the rustle of rain gear
The collective groan as the rain carries on
Faces brightened at the smell of free food,
and the warmth of a church
A collage of leaves plucked prematurely from their branches lay on the ground
The temperature changes and snow threatens
Pant cuffs and floor mats are soaked through
Couches and chairs are packed with the weary and tired
Coffee and books get special attention as do blankets, furnaces and fires

Fall finally displays its beauty, however masked in gloom and cold

Wow

I think that my title really sums up my week in one word. It is debatable whether or not this was the worst week of my college career thus far. On average I got between 3 and 4 hours of sleep a night, with fairly disappointing results. I didn't finish what I had set out to and ended up withdrawing from a lab I was taking. I had two test to take and the majority of studying was done in the hour before I took them. So wow embodies the nearly sleepless, frustrating, no fun, no face time with friends part of my week. The other side of wow that fits is how much fun I had tonight. It seemed like a pretty open night with only some general plans. But I ended up going to this thing called Midnight Mania that MSU puts on. Basically it is a free event, more geared at freshman, but all welcome. There were raffles for skis and passes, free pizza and Rockstar energy drink. Games ranged from Halo 3 to inflatable toys to chess games. They had several tournaments: volleyball, poker, dunk competition, etc. The whole night was so random, the strangest yet sweetest mix of activities you could put together. I got to hang out with a bunch of my friends who, because of this last week, I feel like I haven't seen in forever. But I also got to meet some new people who were awesome. I seriously can't think of any other venue where you could be seen playing polish horseshoes, honing your hoola hoop skills, showing off your lack of coordination at DDR, and solving a Rubik's Cube for speed. I really wish more people would have taken advantage of this night, but you have to forget about being self-conscious and just get lost for a while. But seriously, I had so much fun and really had no intention of being there for about 5 hours. It was such a blast. A perfect way to end the week. Wow.

Forgotten Words

Let me say first that I am reluctant to publish this. I found this tucked away in a folder I made on my email. I wrote it over a month ago and forgot about it entirely. When I opened it up I realized I liked it a lot. The trouble is, this is a poor indicator of how I feel at the present. There isn't any hope in this piece of writing, if I could be a critic for a moment. I would say that is the biggest difference to my feelings then compared to my feelings now. I am much, much more hopeful. Anyway, I like it. This is more or less for me. This isn't a statement I am making. Writing doesn't always have little strings that connect to people and places and feelings. It can stand on its own, without latching on to objects that surround it. Sorry, one last thing and then on with it: it is really nice finding these little bits of writing. I seem to write on whatever I can get my hands on: school notebooks, emails, receipts, programs, you name it. Fun to find them and still like what I wrote.

Can’t Give Up

I was working all today, but I wasn’t at my job
No I was working on getting you out of my mind
Cause you’ve been stuck up there for so long
And I just can’t seem to get you out of there
Maybe it’s because I don’t want you to leave my mind,
just like I didn’t want you to leave my life
Why did you run?
I may never know
And why were you still outside my window every night after?
You didn’t discard me; you put me out of reach
That is what hurts me the most:
knowing you are there, but that I’ll never touch you again
At night I’m a wreck, all alone with my thoughts
And there is no one to tell me to relax, no one to calm me down
If there was some way to change your mind I don’t think I could do it
Cause even if I could convince you, you would still run, you always do
Maybe that was the problem: I tried to stop you from running
And that's what you’ve been doing since you left home
I even tried running with you for a while but you like running alone
So I’m left to walk through this world lost and lonely
If you ever get tired of running, know I’m waiting for you at home
Know I am here if you don’t want to go it alone

This is killing me
To have gotten so close only to be pushed away
With the offer of a different kind of closeness in the future
I don’t know if I can be that for you
I do know I can’t lose you altogether
But your friendship may hurt too much
To see your face and feel your presence might feel too much like the past
You are a memory I just can’t shake, a nightmare that won’t stop haunting me
What have you done to me?
Can you bear doing that to yourself?
Do the right choices have to hurt so much?

I’ve finally gotten better
It took time, a lot of deep breaths and taking things slow
But one thing hasn’t changed: the hurt I feel when I am around you
No matter how hard I try I still can’t shake the memory of us
When I see your face I remember all those nights we spent together
When you talk I can’t help but think of all the things you told me
And when you touch me I recall when you held me and told me to never let you go
I remember when I was the one you relied on to feel safe
I know now that I could not be the security you needed

The hurt will never go away, nor will it drive me away
Because being away from you hurts more
More than the feeling of failure, more than the feeling
That you were my all before you gave up on me
And even if the pain of being near you became too great to bear I would be unable to walk away
See I can’t give up on what little I have left, it is what I cling to