Are You Kidding Me?

Well Brianne told my I hadn't blogged in a while, so I went back and looked at my huge folder of drafts and I saw this one. It is old, about a month. It is basically a summary of the semester for me. Nothing special I suppose, but I must say I like this one. I like it because I think I did a decent job of capturing my feelings at the time. I also like it because I've moved far past this and I feel great, for the first time in a long time. So enjoy, if such a feeling is possible from reading someone's blog

hmm another semester come and gone. But this one was quite different from the rest. I suppose they all stand on their own but this one diverges from the classic mold a bit. First I don't think I've ever been so sleep deprived in my life. I hadn't really considered myself a night owl, but this semester seemed like every week I was experiencing way too much life between the hours of 2 am to 4 am. I got really good at napping. Really good. It was very commonplace for me to nap on campus for at least 2 hours at time at least once a week. A couple weeks ago I napped for 3 hours. Is that really napping at that point? Anyway I also think this semester has been the least appealing academic wise. For starters my best grade is going to be in the class that I did the least amount of work for. In fact that trend goes along for all my classes. I'm getting the worst grade in a class that I busted my butt in. WTF? I don't know I haven't been the best student this semester. But that is always a possibility when you are depressed. Oh yeah, I was pretty unhappy for the majority of this semester. I don't know if I can say depressed, but unhappy for sure. It's not like I walked around everywhere with a frowny-face, I had lots of fun, but when all was said and done the resounding feeling inside me was discontent, sadness. Looking back it seems to have stemmed from several things. Mostly it was my desire coupled with the inability to change certain situations around me. It just seems like my core group of friends has fallen apart this semester. It's not because we are all busy and moved away from each other or whatnot. That is bull. Some issues have arose, and for some reason no one wants to fix them, work at them. We all had fun in the summer, but the summer is over now. I don't get it. You have to get over it, be flexible and willing to admit fault. You need to forgive and start over sometimes. I've said this before and I'll say it again: if friendships can be wrecked that easily then they were never real at all, it was a front. But I think that deep down we know that they were and real and we are just being stubborn for no reason. Sometimes, and only for brief moments, I wish I had a Dr. Phil personality that just wanted to be the mediator and get people together and work things out. But another observation I've made about this semester is that things work themselves out on a timeline that we can't see or predict. That is a big reason why I was sad: I couldn't accept that I was unable to just snap my fingers and fix my problems. I got discouraged when my efforts towards redemption and reconciliation were thwarted, seemingly. In turn I stopped making the effort. I remember many times lying in my bed not getting up for the day. I didn't get up because I was tired or needed my sleep, rather I didn't have the will to get up. I was paralyzed by this feeling that there was no reason that could justify my getting up, there was no point. Afterall if I got up I would have to face these hardships that we certainly waiting outside my door.

Great Expectations

If you have ever read the book Great Expectations, hopefully you can agree with me in that the author brilliantly portrays a potential flaw that many of us carry with us. Great expectations: I've had quite a few, and what I've come to believe is that they are not to be taken lightly. When we expect something the possibility exists that we will be let down. Life rarely goes the way you plan, and there is defeat when you are counting on something and it falls through. Great expectations can also be unfair. To tip the scales in your mind on how a situation should pan out, to hope for words from a friend, that your brother or sister will suddenly want to take an interest in your life. Isn't that just forcing them, willing them to do what you wish for? Even if they concede, was it on their own or because they were nudged toward that decision? However there is merit to these expectations. Without hope life in my experience seems less worth living. Without something to strive and pray for, how can we (I) go on? Yes life does go on, but with a heavy heart. And not to condone the overused, tacky, cliche sayings like "shoot for the moon and you will land among the stars" but we must have higher goals in our lives. Things that might be unreachable to us, yes unattainable situations. But what are we if we cease to strive, to struggle and to achieve? I leave that answer up to you. As per usual the balance, in this case farfetched dreams vs. hopeful persistance, is the issue. But the balance has not been defined, no one can look it up. They must derive it by living and come to their own conclusion. And I hope there is variation to the answer, because how boring is a single answer to a problem that everyone deals with. I myself don't know the answer but I'm going to start looking.

Where Did This Come From?

So this weekend I reluctantly attended a party being put on by the Undergraduate Chemistry Society. Like a party party, with beer and games and so on. I wanted to go and at least see what the students I've been taking classes with for the last 4 years are like outside the classroom. I literally haven't spent anytime with anyone of my fellow chemistry majors outside the university...sad, kinda. On the whole the chem majors are fairly socially normal, and it's not that they aren't interesting, they are just more dedicated to school than I am, these days I care about Young Life more than school. I really had no idea what I was in store for. So there I was: walking in the door to this party and there are people playing quarters, others just chatting. It looked like your average party. I was quickly ushered in to play quarters, then on to beer pong? Who are these people? They haven't ever so much as hinted towards a social life in class yet here I am. So I learned this night that I'm rather good at beer pong, which not exactly something to be proud of, it basically means you drink a whole lot. Finally my team lost(thank goodness) and I was relieved from drinking for a while. I wandered back into the kitchen/living room area, and tried to get a bearing on the conversations and groups that were occupying this space. At the kitchen table they were playing P & A(presidents and assholes) which quite frankly is too complicated of a game when there is alcohol involved, maybe that is the point. I decided against joining that game and sat a nearby couch. It should have been apparent to me sooner but across the couch were two electric guitars, an acoustic, a stand up bass and a piano. I didn't know whose they were but I was kind of in the mood to play a little guitar, so I picked up one of the electric guitars and turned on the amp that it was plugged into. Now I'm a struggling guitarist, that is a sure statement, but when I strummed the first chord, 4 or 5 heads turned immediately with excited curiosity. I never knew it till that night that, but a handful of my fellow majors are pretty decent musicians; one of them is even a music minor. So one jumped on the acoustic guitar, another began plucking the bass, and a couple huddled around the piano for an accompaniment. And we began learning each other's favorite songs and teaching them for the next several hours. There was this unspoken feeling that I could sense between all of us. It was so exciting to know that we shared a common passion that wasn't chemistry. It was fantastic. One of the girls had to leave early and in a slur of words she blurted out: "we'll play again soon, when I'm not so drunk, ok?" This was crazy, in one night, in one hour I went from a polite classmate relationship with several people to planning jam sessions and wanting, yearning to know more about our collective love for music. I can't sing a play very well together, but as the night was nearing an end, I lost my inhibition and went out on a limb. I played one of my favorite Dispatch songs and those around quickly joined in with me to sing. I think I may have gotten a few applause, but it just felt right. In that moment, at that place, with those people I felt right at home. Yet in reality we are still nearly strangers to each other. But this connection with music was real and it was strong. It was quite strange really how the night progressed. I ended up leaving at about 4 in the morning, completely wiped out, completely satisfied. My time will be short lived with some of these people as some will be graduating in the spring, but I hope there will be more good times with them. I hope this bond we formed can last the short while before we move on. That was so much fun. Man I love music

What a Waste

Well I sat down to check my blog between my classes today. I read some new posts from friends and then thought about writing a new entry. Just out of curiosity I checked for any posts that I had left unfinished to find that I have 7 drafts waiting. And I probably won't ever post them. Is that defeating the purpose of blogging? I mean this is supposed to be an outlet for me, to express my thoughts and ideas in words. But when I become self-conscious or unsatisfied with what I write, what do I do? When everything I write has the same sad, defeated tone? When the verses I write all sound like a broken record? Even if I decided that it would be worth getting these forgotten posts out in the open I no longer feel the way I did when I wrote them. It seems false, it seems unfair. But still they are there, letting me know they are not going away. I also can't bring myself to erase these pieces that I won't finish or publish, so what is the point anyway? I think to some extent I've been abusing the idea of a blog: it should be for others as much or more as it is for myself. I can keep a private journal for things that I don't wish to divulge. I shouldn't feel the need to post every thought that crosses my mind, only what I feel is pertinent for others to hear. Well it's Friday and I'm not going to let this get me down. After class I'm going to activate the satellite radio that I won from a Halloween costume contest(pictures will follow soon).

What A Nube

That was embarrassing. Somehow I managed to get halfway through the title of my latest entry and I accidentally hit Ctrl P and posted it. Anyway my original title was
The Mind, Prone To Wander
The mind is a very peculiar thing, don't you think? Take today for example: Mondays are especially busy for me. This one was even more so. I have to juggle class, a meeting, Young Life club, and then school work and research. I gave the talk tonight so most of the day I was trying to prepare for that. But right in the midst of all this chaos, my mind began to go the strangest places. For whatever reason I found myself thinking about funerals. I wasn't thinking about the ceremony so much as the funerals that I attended in high school. I couldn't be sure but 3 funerals in 3 years seems like a lot to me. The first funeral I attended was when I was 16. My parents weren't there, I went with a friend because the funeral was for this guy Travis that we worked with. Needless to say the funeral freaked me out and made me really depressed for a while. It was an open casket, and furthermore to greet the family you had to walk right by it. I was pretty close to losing it. The sight of a body without life in it was too much for me. To see the body without the soul that I had known was a terrible sight to see.
The next funeral was for a friend's dad. Car accident. My buddy Ryan's little brother was learning to drive with the dad and their Jeep rolled. What a tragedy. That really messed up that family. The next year Ryan and I were in the same psychology class which only consisted of 3 projects that were all completely open ended. All 3 of Ryan's projects dealt heavily on the loss of his father. Ryan and I had been playing on sports teams since junior high and so we knew each other decently well. What always surprised me about Ryan was that he would always ask me about things we had talked about months or years prior, wanting genuinely to know how this or that turned out. His memory and the way he showed he cared were amazing. Ryan I just want to say that I'm really proud for how you handled that situation. You had to become the man of the family very quickly and I think you were a great model for you brother and sisters. My heart is with you man.
The last funeral was for another friend's dad. My friend's name was also Ryan, and I know that all funerals are sad, but this one was heartbreaking. Ryan's dad died of a heart attack 1 day before his 44th birthday. Again, Ryan being the oldest instantly became the man of the family, to his 2 younger siblings. I literally have never cried, no sobbed, so much in my entire life. Ryan read this "letter" to his dad at the service and it just broke me down. It still brings tears to my eyes even now writing about it almost 4 years later. Ryan you are very much still on my mind and I can't even come close to knowing what you felt back then, and even now. But one thing is for sure: you were courageous. You stepped up and anyone should be proud to call you a friend. I know that you are still living up to those things you said in that letter to you dad that day.
Even after analyzing my thoughts I can't figure out what made me think of that. It is so strange how things you haven't thought of for so long are at the front of you mind in an instant. What a complicated thing God created when he made us. Well that's all I have on the subject, see you the next time around.

Your Smiling Face

The days are hard
But my eyes are not looking down
You seem so far
But I know you'll come around
Girl don't be shy
I know you can be brave
And if you come it is me that you'll save

Your smile is all that I need
I am restless and I just can't get to sleep
When my days are cloudy
All I want to see
Is your smiling face
Your shining face
Your smiling face

Cause when I look into those eyes
I see love not compromise
And when I see you smile back at me
I know there is hope
I know you will set me free

Your smile is all that I need
I am restless and I just can't get to sleep
When my days are cloudy
All I want to see
Is your smiling face
Your shining face
Your smiling face

Another day and I'm frustrated
I made mistakes and I just can't take it
I feel like I'm losing control
My soul is feeling weak
You are what I lean on
You are what I seek
Where are you I wonder
The outlook now seems bleak

Because when I need you the most, you're not there
Your face is a ghost and you don't care
And I've paid the cost, I've laid my heart bare
Baby meet me there, please meet me there

Because your smile is all that I need
I am restless and I just can't get to sleep
When my days are cloudy
All I want to see
Is your smiling face
Your shining face
Your smiling face


When I finished this I was both excited and disappointed at the same time. I was excited because I think I can actually put this to music and make into an actual song. I was disappointed because this seems so simple/cliche/weak sauce. But maybe writing something simple can help me build on song writing which is something I really want to get better at. We'll see what happens, I don't think I'll be a Garrett Gue any time soon though. He is a jerk for being so talented(from above) but you should check him out.

A Day in Passing

A guy spits
Pompoms on hats bob
Rain drips off of coats
High heels clicking on the sidewalk
A girl rushes to get out of the weather
A biker pedals hard uphill
Some are chilled to the bone,
others seem proud of their rain boots
An artist protects her work from the weather

Hoods and umbrellas keep people hidden
Eyes on the wet pavement
Scowls, frowns, and furrowed brows are worn by all
Ducks wander from their home to new puddles formed
Every building exterior seems to sweat, the window panes cry
Shoe soles squeak on the floor, the rustle of rain gear
The collective groan as the rain carries on
Faces brightened at the smell of free food,
and the warmth of a church
A collage of leaves plucked prematurely from their branches lay on the ground
The temperature changes and snow threatens
Pant cuffs and floor mats are soaked through
Couches and chairs are packed with the weary and tired
Coffee and books get special attention as do blankets, furnaces and fires

Fall finally displays its beauty, however masked in gloom and cold

Wow

I think that my title really sums up my week in one word. It is debatable whether or not this was the worst week of my college career thus far. On average I got between 3 and 4 hours of sleep a night, with fairly disappointing results. I didn't finish what I had set out to and ended up withdrawing from a lab I was taking. I had two test to take and the majority of studying was done in the hour before I took them. So wow embodies the nearly sleepless, frustrating, no fun, no face time with friends part of my week. The other side of wow that fits is how much fun I had tonight. It seemed like a pretty open night with only some general plans. But I ended up going to this thing called Midnight Mania that MSU puts on. Basically it is a free event, more geared at freshman, but all welcome. There were raffles for skis and passes, free pizza and Rockstar energy drink. Games ranged from Halo 3 to inflatable toys to chess games. They had several tournaments: volleyball, poker, dunk competition, etc. The whole night was so random, the strangest yet sweetest mix of activities you could put together. I got to hang out with a bunch of my friends who, because of this last week, I feel like I haven't seen in forever. But I also got to meet some new people who were awesome. I seriously can't think of any other venue where you could be seen playing polish horseshoes, honing your hoola hoop skills, showing off your lack of coordination at DDR, and solving a Rubik's Cube for speed. I really wish more people would have taken advantage of this night, but you have to forget about being self-conscious and just get lost for a while. But seriously, I had so much fun and really had no intention of being there for about 5 hours. It was such a blast. A perfect way to end the week. Wow.

Forgotten Words

Let me say first that I am reluctant to publish this. I found this tucked away in a folder I made on my email. I wrote it over a month ago and forgot about it entirely. When I opened it up I realized I liked it a lot. The trouble is, this is a poor indicator of how I feel at the present. There isn't any hope in this piece of writing, if I could be a critic for a moment. I would say that is the biggest difference to my feelings then compared to my feelings now. I am much, much more hopeful. Anyway, I like it. This is more or less for me. This isn't a statement I am making. Writing doesn't always have little strings that connect to people and places and feelings. It can stand on its own, without latching on to objects that surround it. Sorry, one last thing and then on with it: it is really nice finding these little bits of writing. I seem to write on whatever I can get my hands on: school notebooks, emails, receipts, programs, you name it. Fun to find them and still like what I wrote.

Can’t Give Up

I was working all today, but I wasn’t at my job
No I was working on getting you out of my mind
Cause you’ve been stuck up there for so long
And I just can’t seem to get you out of there
Maybe it’s because I don’t want you to leave my mind,
just like I didn’t want you to leave my life
Why did you run?
I may never know
And why were you still outside my window every night after?
You didn’t discard me; you put me out of reach
That is what hurts me the most:
knowing you are there, but that I’ll never touch you again
At night I’m a wreck, all alone with my thoughts
And there is no one to tell me to relax, no one to calm me down
If there was some way to change your mind I don’t think I could do it
Cause even if I could convince you, you would still run, you always do
Maybe that was the problem: I tried to stop you from running
And that's what you’ve been doing since you left home
I even tried running with you for a while but you like running alone
So I’m left to walk through this world lost and lonely
If you ever get tired of running, know I’m waiting for you at home
Know I am here if you don’t want to go it alone

This is killing me
To have gotten so close only to be pushed away
With the offer of a different kind of closeness in the future
I don’t know if I can be that for you
I do know I can’t lose you altogether
But your friendship may hurt too much
To see your face and feel your presence might feel too much like the past
You are a memory I just can’t shake, a nightmare that won’t stop haunting me
What have you done to me?
Can you bear doing that to yourself?
Do the right choices have to hurt so much?

I’ve finally gotten better
It took time, a lot of deep breaths and taking things slow
But one thing hasn’t changed: the hurt I feel when I am around you
No matter how hard I try I still can’t shake the memory of us
When I see your face I remember all those nights we spent together
When you talk I can’t help but think of all the things you told me
And when you touch me I recall when you held me and told me to never let you go
I remember when I was the one you relied on to feel safe
I know now that I could not be the security you needed

The hurt will never go away, nor will it drive me away
Because being away from you hurts more
More than the feeling of failure, more than the feeling
That you were my all before you gave up on me
And even if the pain of being near you became too great to bear I would be unable to walk away
See I can’t give up on what little I have left, it is what I cling to

What a Beautiful Speedbump

Change is a funny thing. It comes without warning. It leaves everything a mess for you to pick up. It won't make decisions for you but will let you know that there is action to take. I experienced such a feeling last week. I'm surprised that I heard that quiet voice annoyingly scratching at me. I was zoning out while a recruiter for grad school was giving a speech, and suddenly everything he had been saying for the last half hour made me stop and say "hey wait I don't want to do that!" It was there and then that I realized I needed to get off the path I had been following. The prize, the goal for which I have been working towards for the last 3 1/2 years seems to have been misguided. Slowly but surely my focus and interest in chemistry has turned slightly off course. What once intrigued me is now boring and inconsequential. And suddenly I found myself listening to this man's words fiercely: "you want your PhD work to be meaningful...otherwise you will be miserable." I sure don't want to be miserable. But he also in so many words was saying: "Matt, this and every other program in the country has nothing to offer you." Change is needed.
Now in the 3 days since this gut feeling hit I have made the following conclusions:
- Drastic, and immediate change is not necessary. I don't need to quit school and travel the world to find what will inspire me. I am actually seeking a change to another major in the same department.
- I have actually been wanting to make changes to my academic goals for some time. I have been unhappy at the lack to diversity in classes that I've been taking leading up to my chemistry degree. Now that I have a solid, unflinching feeling that I need to change, I can put my money where my mouth is.
- Finally I need spend a lot more time thinking about this, getting advice, and most of all keeping calm.
Today I was trying to get an idea of what changing my major would do on my goals for the future. In a matter of minutes I was completely worked up, questioning why I had been going to school at all if I hadn't been sure. I was suddenly enraged that I was ruining plans that I had made, and even plans I hadn't. In a way, not having the freedom of a set future was gnawing at me. Feeling that you are not in control is scary. I seemed to be saying to myself: "you are just a kid, what have you been doing making decisions on your own? What makes you think you are capable of following through?" But really anxiety just carries me away and once I settled down I realized that all was not lost. Sure things won't go the way I wanted, that is life. And life was also precisely the thing that I was dreading, as my undergraduate career was winding down. I was lamenting having to leave Bozeman (which I will). I was really unhappy to leave behind the people and the relationships I've formed, many of which are very new and not yet full-grown. I hate putting time in to getting to know someone and then turning around and saying: "well that was nice, but I've got my own life waiting for me and it doesn't involve you." Sure moving doesn't condemn a friendship but it create a new barrier to get around.
Obviously I have a lot to think about and time and patience will be absolutely necessary. But it's my life right? I gotta do what I gotta do. Don't misunderstand, I am very excited about this. Having to look at my life has shown me exactly what I do care about. I look forward to making changes and the struggle of this complication. What an awesome misstep, what a beautiful speedbump.

The Abyss

I had this idea in my head, but without also presenting my stream of consciousness at the time with this idea, it would have sounded random. So I began to write a story around this idea. But in this process, the story got bigger and bigger and I found myself diverging from my idea. Needless to say I was not pleased with this. But I resolved to finish the story for the sake of completeness. So if you wish, and I would, please just scroll down to the paragraph with the asterisks around it and read that section. Honestly it is the only section that counts. It may not may make the most sense, but you have the rest of the story to refer to if you really are itching to know how that section fits it. I swear, the lengths we go to convey an idea.

Once upon a time, in a land far, far away: there lived two strangers. Each lived a great distance away from the other. Every so often the time came for one of these strangers, we'll call her Deanna, to travel. The reason for her journey was related to her work as a doctor. In this land modern medicine hadn't yet been discovered, and most medicine was derived from plants. Deanna had been completing her annual inventory of the various medicines that she kept stocked. This year she was shocked to find that her supply of Dromalia flowers(an acute remedy for infections that plagued wounds) had been ruined due to a water leak in her cellar, where she kept her most rare and vital medicine. This was especially troubling because the Dromalia flower did not grow in the area in which Deanna lived. In fact the journey was so arduous that she had only twice completed the journey. Several failed attempts forced her to make the most out of trip, collecting the absolute amount of Dromalia as well as any other plants that she might find on the way that would be of use. Before water damage had destroyed Deanna's supply, there was enough of the flower to last nearly 5 years. Now she had nothing, and had no choice but to gather more to ensure that any infections would be treated before spreading and causing complications. So Deanna set out, traveling light for speed and not for surplus.

The other character in our story is a girl by the name of Chamry. Chamry set out on a trip of her own, a few days before Deanna departed. However Chamry's reason for leaving the comfort of home was not as directed as Deanna's. To be more accurate, Chamry ran away from home. Despite being a model child and at that being very loved among her other 5 siblings, she became restless. Chamry's life thus far had consisted of a warm and happy existence in which she was safe from harm and every form of vice and evil.

Recently Chamry had begun to feel this security suffocating her. She intuitively felt that shielding her from the world was actually hurting her and not helping. Chamry needed to experience something real, anything. So without warning she packed a small satchel with provisions and walked out the front door. This was a bold and daring step, however it was almost certainly a stupid one. Due to the heavy pampering from her loving parents, Chamry had learn little to nothing about survival in nature. She knew nothing about her surroundings, nothing. Just a little ways from her home, the landscape looked completely foreign. She had no idea of what animals lived in the forest, what plants she could eat, where to make good shelter, again nothing. To her credit she was a fast learner and a determined being.

After a week of aimless wandering, Chamry began to gain her bearings and now traveled west, following the sun into the horizon. After only a couple of days on this path, the world around Chamry changed dramatically. She found herself in a barren land. There was scarcely any vegetation in sight. The air felt thin, as if she was at an elevation much higher than her home. It wasn't long before Chamry came to a vast chasm, an abyss in the earth. It was not only very deep but it seemed to extent across the entire land. Under different circumstances Chamry probably would have simply found another route on her rambling journey. But something stirred within her to cross this gap, this break in the world. Chamry began walking along the edge of this huge canyon and suddenly became aware that she wasn't alone. Looking across the divide, she would see a woman, older than her also looking across.

***

As Deanna looked out in front of her she spotted someone who shared her plight. Apparently this girl that she could see across the way also needed to cross. Why, Deanna did not know, to a point the why didn't matter. What mattered was that both were in a discouraging position. You see there was no visible or imaginative way of crossing in sight. It was too wide for bridges to have been built, there were no trees or vines to possibly use to either traveler's advantage. The walls of the canyon were sheer, and no way to get down.

*So there they were: two strangers separated by a vast gap and no way to get over. But still each desperately wanted to get across. No, they needed to get to the other side. But they had no idea where to even start. Neither had been in such a situation before. There was no turning back however. Neither would be deterred from this challenge. With timidity and little hope, the two strangers began talking. They found a spot where the gap was small enough to hear the other. Through this they learned about the other: how they had came to this place and from where. More importantly they learned why the other needed to get over to the other side. Now don't be fooled this was a slow process, and at times it was not easy. From an outside perspective it did not turn out well for them. For after all their effort they did not find a way across and both were sent home empty handed. However if we able to ask them about how the journey had end up, I imagine both would have been ecstatic. Something much more valuable than their own selfish(however noble) motives were after was gained. For once they were not centered and they became devoted to someone else. For once they were foiled in their plan that they had been pursuing. It was then that the two strangers felt alive and felt free.*

So Deanna did not come home with the medicine, but she consorted with doctors from towns on the way home and eventually found a comparable substitute for her herb that she was after. And Chamry returned to her family, and for the first time she accepted and cherished the love that her parents showed her. She also learned to find adventure in her life, while still being under her parents protection.

In a way, both Chamry and Deanna did get across the abyss. Both got what they wanted, they just didn't know what they were searching for.

Camping Conundrum

So this past weekend myself as well as a bunch of friends who are Young Life leaders went up to the mountains just outside of Yellowstone. Today I was looking at pictures and was struck. A certain picture of our fire at night caught my eye. I don't believe that I am alone when I say that fire is one of the most captivating phenomenon in the world. Think about it: wherever there is fire, there are people staring, mesmerized. Why is that exactly? On the one hand it is just fire, it's not like anyone is new to the sight. And yet we keep staring, as if when it dies out we will never again see the flames lick the air, or hear the crackle of the wood. We keep staring as though within the fire lies some hidden treasure, and if we look away for a minute or blink we will miss it. The question that still crosses my mind is simply what is fire? Yes I know that fire is the combustion of oxygen. But what kind of an answer is that? Science(as much as I have learned thus far) has fallen horribly short at categorizing this element of the earth. Because you cannot capture fire like you can a wild flower . You cannot collect a specimen of fire like a butterfly. All you can do is sustain a fire. You can keep it going with fuel and ideal weather conditions. But what is it? Sometimes the destructive power of fire is lost on me when I see it blown by the wind, seemingly as delicate as a feather. I think that our place here on earth becomes quite clear when with all our knowledge, technology, and history we are limited to describing fire as feebly as "fire is fire." Fire is a fact, a constant that is to be accepted, not challenged. Perhaps the task of breaking down fire is too daunting, and also maybe fire should be left alone. Afterall, who regrets the no doubt countless hours spent burning holes into the firelight, so to speak. Who doesn't enjoy the mystery that fire still poses? That enigma is a riddle I have and will continue to come back to again and again. With my blank stare and mouth agape, I will ponder fire and all that it holds.

Clean Slate

Well, here goes nothing. While something tells me that I will most likely be the only one who enjoys these posts, I do give permission for others to read, comment, and learn about me through these. I think to start off my blogging experience I will write a song that I've been mulling over in my head for a while. It has no title as of yet, but I think it speaks for itself.

(guy)So now that we've taken a fall
You will take them all
To the places we would go
And do the things we used to do
Did all that mean anything to you?

(girl)Now when I look at you
You don't see me
No you look right on through
I use these words to calm you
But you just block me out
What am I supposed to do,
Did all that mean anything to you?

(both)Lord we shared so much
But now it hurts to touch
On those memories of bein' in the summer breeze
Was that pleasure worth this pain?
Is there any point in singing this refrain?
Did all that mean anything to you?

(both)I'm not asking you to fess up
But if I ask you one more time
And if your answer is yes,
Well I'll forget this whole mess
So, did all that mean anything to you?

Did all that mean everything to you?
Did all that mean everything to you?

There is just something about writing a song in the heat of the moment I guess you could say. Even though my feelings will inevitably change towards what I was writing about, I would never change the words. They stand as a marker, a milestone in my life. At that moment, they were right and anytime they are visited again they are still correct because they still live in that moment.