What a Beautiful Speedbump

Change is a funny thing. It comes without warning. It leaves everything a mess for you to pick up. It won't make decisions for you but will let you know that there is action to take. I experienced such a feeling last week. I'm surprised that I heard that quiet voice annoyingly scratching at me. I was zoning out while a recruiter for grad school was giving a speech, and suddenly everything he had been saying for the last half hour made me stop and say "hey wait I don't want to do that!" It was there and then that I realized I needed to get off the path I had been following. The prize, the goal for which I have been working towards for the last 3 1/2 years seems to have been misguided. Slowly but surely my focus and interest in chemistry has turned slightly off course. What once intrigued me is now boring and inconsequential. And suddenly I found myself listening to this man's words fiercely: "you want your PhD work to be meaningful...otherwise you will be miserable." I sure don't want to be miserable. But he also in so many words was saying: "Matt, this and every other program in the country has nothing to offer you." Change is needed.
Now in the 3 days since this gut feeling hit I have made the following conclusions:
- Drastic, and immediate change is not necessary. I don't need to quit school and travel the world to find what will inspire me. I am actually seeking a change to another major in the same department.
- I have actually been wanting to make changes to my academic goals for some time. I have been unhappy at the lack to diversity in classes that I've been taking leading up to my chemistry degree. Now that I have a solid, unflinching feeling that I need to change, I can put my money where my mouth is.
- Finally I need spend a lot more time thinking about this, getting advice, and most of all keeping calm.
Today I was trying to get an idea of what changing my major would do on my goals for the future. In a matter of minutes I was completely worked up, questioning why I had been going to school at all if I hadn't been sure. I was suddenly enraged that I was ruining plans that I had made, and even plans I hadn't. In a way, not having the freedom of a set future was gnawing at me. Feeling that you are not in control is scary. I seemed to be saying to myself: "you are just a kid, what have you been doing making decisions on your own? What makes you think you are capable of following through?" But really anxiety just carries me away and once I settled down I realized that all was not lost. Sure things won't go the way I wanted, that is life. And life was also precisely the thing that I was dreading, as my undergraduate career was winding down. I was lamenting having to leave Bozeman (which I will). I was really unhappy to leave behind the people and the relationships I've formed, many of which are very new and not yet full-grown. I hate putting time in to getting to know someone and then turning around and saying: "well that was nice, but I've got my own life waiting for me and it doesn't involve you." Sure moving doesn't condemn a friendship but it create a new barrier to get around.
Obviously I have a lot to think about and time and patience will be absolutely necessary. But it's my life right? I gotta do what I gotta do. Don't misunderstand, I am very excited about this. Having to look at my life has shown me exactly what I do care about. I look forward to making changes and the struggle of this complication. What an awesome misstep, what a beautiful speedbump.