November Blue

If I weren't leaving would I catch you dreaming?

If weren't gonna be gone now could I take you home?

If I told you I loved you would it change what you see?

If I was staying, would you stay with me?

If I had money would it all look good?

If I had a job now like a good man should

If I came to you tomorrow and said let's run away

Would you roll like the wind does, baby would you stay?

My heart is dancing to a November tune

I hope that you hear it singing songs about you

I sing songs of sorrow because you're not around

See babe I'm gone tomorrow

Baby follow me down

I don't know why I have to, but this man must move on

I loved my time here, didn't know it till I was gone

November shadow shade November change

November spells sweet memory, the season blue remains

November spells sweet memory, the season blue remains

You're yellow hair is like the sunlight

However sweet it shines

Bit by the cold of December I'm warm beside your smile

Oh baby tell me I'm not leaving

You're everything I dream

I'm killing myself thinking I'm fallin like the leaves

I'm killing myself thinking I'm falling like the leaves

- Avett Brothers

Sometimes I want to be Trapped

Maybe someday this blog will be lighter in content. Maybe my heart will be lighter someday for that matter.

I had this thought. I think that I like the feeling of being trapped. It sounds counterintuitive but I think I am right. The reason for this is that when you are trapped, everything becomes clear. Of course there is the initial realization of being trapped and you try and find a way out with blind haste only to find there is none. Once you calm down from this, the situation greatly improves. You realize that you have nothing to do but face what you are up against. You know you can't quit, you know that there is nowhere to go. It is very simple when you are trapped. There aren't alternatives, no backup plans. This may be a stretch but I think college is something that traps us, and we take great comfort in this trap. As long as you are not completely turned off by college you can expect anywhere from 4 years to 8 or ten years of commitment. By recognizing this, you can block off the next half decade or decade and just put your head to the grindstone. You don't have to look up or take a breath. In that regard, and maybe only that one college is easy. You embrace the walls of academia though they are a sort of prison. Even though you may face the most challenging obstacles in your life, you can't help but take them on. It doesn't mean we attack everything in the best way possible, hardly in fact. But in the end I think we do face them.

Then suddenly your college experience is coming to a close and things that you normally would have addressed and overcome seem less of a priority. After all, if you wait just a little while longer you can run from these problems. That I do not like. Having the option to turn tail and run does not sit well with me. When it comes down to it, I don't believe I would choose the right way out. I feel like 9 times out of 10 I'll choose the easy way. I'm kind of afraid of what is going to happen in the spring. I'm not afraid of what decisions I'll make, I believe they will be right. But will I be content with how I handled everything? Will I act as though I am up against a wall with nothing to do but face the music or am I going to just slink away unnoticed? We shall see.

Gone But Not Forgotten

I thought about writing this when I was on facebook, so I wrote a note and this is the exact copy of it. Lazy? perhaps but I just wanted to make it available to everyone on here as well.

Today marks the 6th anniversary of my friend Travis McCorkle passing away. It is strange to me, it seems so long ago but at the same time I remember it like it was yesterday. This was an event that was one of the most significant of my high school years, and probably my whole life to date. I remember the funeral so vividly, and why not. It was the first one I've ever been to. A year later I went down by myself to Florence, CO. to see Travis's grave. That sort of broke my heart all over again. His grave stone was adorned with trinkets and trifles from family and friends. One item that I saw that really brought back the memories was Travis's hacky sack, which was lying atop the gravestone. He and I spent a lot of time playing with that thing over the course of two years of working together. It is funny how you can have such a strong association with someone through a toy. I still keep a 2-dollar bill that he gave me one night that made its way into the tips at work. That may seem to be less significant, but when he saw it in the tips he was excited because he collects those. But I asked him if I could have it, and he agreed on the condition that I never use it or give it away. That was one of the last times I ever spoke to Travis. Another strange thought that crossed my mind today was the fact that I am almost as old as Travis was when I met him. I mean in a few years I'll have outlived him, but then again 26 is so young to die. It is amazing to me how someone could leave such an impression on someone who only knew them for a short period of time. Well Travis, today is your day, and you and your family are on my mind. Rest well my friend.

The Passing of Music

Tonight I attended a concert put on by a family band of sorts. The Werner quartet is 4 kids, one boy and 3 girls ranging from 14 to 18 years old. First of all I was under the impression that the quartet only played cello. But to my surprise, all of the kids were not only exceptional cellists, but incredible pianists, and bass players. They constantly changed clothes, set and instruments. I really can't get over how amazing this really was. Each child played solo pieces, all of these were memorized, completely. Each player had truly unique styles from the others. Andree the youngest, was by far the most fun to watch. She was constantly moving rythmically to the music, she was probably the smoothest piano player of the bunch. Mariel the next oldest was the steady one, the backbone. She wasn't as magnanimous as Andree or as technical as the two oldest, but she was constant, nearly mistake free. She seemed content with being more in the background, but when she soloed she was quite good. Helene the second oldest was probably the most technical of the four. She was astounding. She loved to be at the front, and you sort of could tell. Luc, the oldest, he was the leader. Though not quite as technical as Helene he had that quality that cannot be attained with precision. He had IT. Anyway, it was during the concert that something dawned on me.
The idea of music, at least this kind has a great deal of heritage. What I mean is that it is passed down. I suppose the argument could be made that the family isn't all that impressive because they only attempt to recreate great works in music. But there is something about how they presented it all. They came out many different flashy, fun outfits; they were constantly changing instruments, sets. They not only mastered these pieces, some of them hundreds of years old, they managed to convey the same feeling behind the music all the while adding a modern theme. They made it their own and transformed it. They even made their own arrangements of some of the pieces to better fit their style and influences. The encore was the most fun.
They came out this time with electric cellos, a keyboard, a bass guitar and an electric guitar. Oh and sequined outfits and hair wigs. They played a set of Queen songs to close out the evening. As if what they showcased wasn't impressive enough, they proved that they could also excel at rock and roll. Luc played guitar like he had been playing as long as he had cello, but it was plain to see that he had picked it up recently. All this and for 6 bucks. I am speechless. What a night.

This Wasn't Supposed To End This Way

Gosh dangit. This is really superb timing. I mean as if my life wasn't complicated, confusing, and careening out of control on its own, then this had to happen. Have you ever been so hung up on a decision that you lose sleep over it? I laid awake for at least 2 hours the other night having a prolonged conniption fit over this. Nothing is never simple, I've found. And it is never as easy as I envision it to be it my mind. I have to leave, there is no doubting that. But on so many levels it seems impossible to. How can I leave on of my best friends behind for the last 2 months that he will be in Montana? What a way to end a year. How can I leave the two friends I have made in this house, knowing that in some capacity I am wounding them for their tolerance and brotherly love? How can I go and ask others to accommodate me, but wishing to keep the details rather vague? Even before all of that, how do I confront my roommate in a loving manner that I am moving out almost immediately because of his brother?
In those terrible hours spent alone in my room with my thoughts all I wanted to do was pack up, and leave in the middle of the night without a trace. It was maddening because in my extremely non-confrontational mind, I knew that would be by far the easiest option. But I also knew it was the only option I couldn't carry out. I knew that the hard road was the only road. Of course the next step in my head involved, as it always does, carrying out these scenarios of what could transpire between me and the people that are involved. They are inevitably negative, and absurd but none the less possible, at least in my mind. When sleep did finally come I was left with the thoughts that only the worst would come of this situation. Already I have been reassured in at least one facet of this situation but by far the hardest has still to come. I know I won't blow this off because it is a hard decision and an awkward one but I just dread beginning this whole process. I know it is soon. I'm not even worried about logistics, though that is usual. It is the relational struggles that are sure to follow.
Also I am unsure how I should deal with this on the level of outsiders. Certainly I want my friends to be aware, but can I disclose this to my high schoolers? I'm not afraid of what they, or their parents may think. I know my actions are correct and pure, but there could be talk about my friends who stay behind. I want to protect them, it is the least I can do. My decision is my own, and it doesn't and shouldn't reflect on them in a negative light. That is the worry I have. In no way is this decision meant to elevate me above anyone. Through all of this I want that to be understood. We are all in different situations and I think there are different ways to approach something like this. No right path, just our own. I know I have to follow mine, no matter how hasty and crazy it may seem. No matter the hurt, no matter the hardships.
I am grateful for one thing. Recently I've been having a hard time(understatement) in knowing for certain where I am supposed to be going, what I am supposed to be doing. But this was undeniable. It was completely clear. Ironically I wished for some sort of ambiguity to clout my judgment because I was afraid of what it meant. Since the outcome was far harder than what I wanted, I wished for the alternative. But I know now that I am so glad there is no mistake. A conversation with a fellow student last week about school suddenly comes to mind. I told him that "most of the time the struggle (in school) is not about how to do something, it is about knowing what to do on the spot." We know how to get to the conclusion, but if we don't know the way to the beginning then we can't ever get to the end.

No Know No Know

There are some people that we consider to know well and understand. But about this man, no one could say that they understood him. Rather they could say that they understood very well that they did not understand him at all. In this regard they find common ground with him. They know nothing about his circumstances though he has spoken about them countless times. We can reproduce the same details, same emotions from them, but no conclusions can be drawn leaving us for a loss. Is this alright? In a way it is always mysterious and leaves us very intrigued to hear these accounts. But what if anything do we ever gain? Is that the point, to gain something from them? On the one hand it is maddening to no end, living on the wrong side of this one-sided relationship. We receive volumes and anthologies full of nothing, or better nothing we are capable of understanding. I for one am not up to the challenge of wading through the jumbled life of someone else, at least not before sifting through mine own. I want to, but I can't. It doesn't take long but we begin to see this continual leaflet dropping as a front for actual communication, though it is not. Shortly following we(I) become bitter and choose to sever what appears to us as an already cut off friendship. But then it comes, a simple thoughtfulness from the other side. We thought it impossible, like Japanese soldiers singing carols on christmas night on the battlefield. Suddenly we don't know what to think. Then it seems all too likely that the other has no idea of the thoughts that have transpired on our part, and rightly so. So back to the beginning we go again. We must be left to our first conclusion and be satisfied: we understand that we don't understand at all. In some sort of twisted, unfulfilled way there is actually solace in that. I think, therefore I am...I admit to knowing nothing, therefore I know.

If this made sense to anyone, my hat is off to you. I don't quite understand it all myself. It is about everyone and about no one. Better put from the movie The Darjeeling Limited: "all the characters are fictional."

Unconditional Love....Not!

-For Meesh-

Unconditional love is a bitch. Sorry but it is. In short I think we really overemphasize God's unconditional love for us and underemphasize that fact that God called us to love others unconditionally, or at least to try. But the problem arises in that we live in a give-AND-take world. Not a give-and-give-and-give until someone spits in your face and then give some more world. Over the past year this idea has been slowly seeping into my head from many interactions with numerous people. I have seen more anger, bitterness, hurt, sadness, and surrender from love not reciprocated, and ungratefulness for love shown.

Perhaps we cannot attain and exact unconditional love, we aren't God afterall, but it also says in the bible to aim for perfection. Please, practice unconditional love. Here is a huge kick in the teeth for me: show unconditional love to someone who has conditions to their love. Rachael, yes Alli has a very conditional love. But if that angers you and wears you out and makes you not want to love her at all, then you'll never understand unconditional love. It is not at all "meet me halfway." You had better go the whole way and more. That is what is required. I'll tell you right now what I'm working on:
- If every time I called you to hang out and you ignored me, I would still call.
- If each time I look towards you and you looked away, I'll still be gazing at you.
- If for the rest of my life I have to pour out every ounce of energy to show you that I love you, and don't get as much as an acknowledgment from you, I would spend that energy in an instant.

That is what unconditional love is after. I'll tell you why it is so crucial that we understand and strive to love unconditionally. If we settle for a love that is based on what we get back, then it will never be a genuine love. It will always be changing, waxing and waning whether our love is being recognized, praised and returned or not. Unconditional love is unchanging. It is the same game plan from start to finish. No matter what you do, or DON'T do, I'll love you. Love till it hurts, and then you'll have a tiny tiny taste of what Jesus did. There is no way it was easy for God to love us in the condition we are in, knowing full well that we will rarely give him thanks for it. That is enough to kill a man, and in Jesus it did. God was so broken that he couldn't bare to see this go on that he sent his only son to die, sacrificed his only kin, so that we who do not even give a shit could be with him. If we resort, if we fall, if we give in to loving any less than how Jesus loves us, then we slap him in the face.

This was brought on by a friend whose blog I was reading. She seems utterly defeated in the sense that she pours out love to any and everyone and it never seems to come back. It broke me to read and feel her pain, but at the same time I wanted very badly to tell her to let go. Loving unconditionally is asking for, and guaranteeing pain. There is nothing that can be done about it. Either accept and work through it or ask how you can save yourself from the pain. Sadly stopping the pain means stopping such unbridled, wreckless love. It is a choice and not any easy one to make day after day. But Michelle I can see that you won't stop loving, I just don't want you to be ruined by this either.

Educate Me

Last night I went to a lecture on campus with my roommate(Erik) and his GF(Brianne). I didn't know anything about the speaker, except that she was going to talk about MLK and something or other about racism. I was pleasantly surprised at what she had to say. The speaker's name was Peggy McIntosh and her focus was on white privilege. Although I would be happy to write on this specific lecture, I had a realization. I love to learn. Of course I could care less about some of the classes I've had to take in college, but knowledge is something I am drawn to.
My freshman and sophomore year I went to several lectures like these. I absolutely love these. Before I ever went I would see fliers on boards around campus and think "what do they have to say that I would possibly want to hear." But eventually I darkened the doorway of one of these talks and I was blown away. The first lecture I went to was a man who was talking about his experiences in World War II. His name is Jack Van der Geest, and if you want to read an incredible story he has a book called "Was God on Vacation?" To give you a short rundown of his story he was sent to a concentration camp for resisting the Nazis. In the camp he was force to work in the experimental medical section of the camp where they experimented on humans. Eventually he decided to escape by hiding in a pile of dead bodies. While in the pile he overpowered and killed a guard and was able to escape. But once he was free he immediately joined the British and fought in the war. Check it out.
Another great talk I got to see was Salmon Rushdie. I don't know if there is a more prolific icon that has been to MSU. He had an amazing stance when it came to free speech. I personally don't think it is ok when KKK membered are allowed to speak hate and have the right to. But Salmon made a point of saying that free speech should be for everyone or no one. The example he used was when he wrote the Satanic Verses that angered the Ayatollah to the point that they put a price on his head and wanted him dead. At some point later the Ayatollah wanted to make a movie about Salmon depicting him as a horrible, cruel, and brutal man. Killing people for pleasure. But the movie had to be shown in England where Rushdie lived and he had to approve of the movie. Any sane person would just say no to a slanderous movie, but Salmon let the movie play. Amazing.
Sorry, again this was longwinded but my point is that there is so much to learn out there. There is so much that we should hear. If only we would take the time to allow people to speak to us.