This Wasn't Supposed To End This Way

Gosh dangit. This is really superb timing. I mean as if my life wasn't complicated, confusing, and careening out of control on its own, then this had to happen. Have you ever been so hung up on a decision that you lose sleep over it? I laid awake for at least 2 hours the other night having a prolonged conniption fit over this. Nothing is never simple, I've found. And it is never as easy as I envision it to be it my mind. I have to leave, there is no doubting that. But on so many levels it seems impossible to. How can I leave on of my best friends behind for the last 2 months that he will be in Montana? What a way to end a year. How can I leave the two friends I have made in this house, knowing that in some capacity I am wounding them for their tolerance and brotherly love? How can I go and ask others to accommodate me, but wishing to keep the details rather vague? Even before all of that, how do I confront my roommate in a loving manner that I am moving out almost immediately because of his brother?
In those terrible hours spent alone in my room with my thoughts all I wanted to do was pack up, and leave in the middle of the night without a trace. It was maddening because in my extremely non-confrontational mind, I knew that would be by far the easiest option. But I also knew it was the only option I couldn't carry out. I knew that the hard road was the only road. Of course the next step in my head involved, as it always does, carrying out these scenarios of what could transpire between me and the people that are involved. They are inevitably negative, and absurd but none the less possible, at least in my mind. When sleep did finally come I was left with the thoughts that only the worst would come of this situation. Already I have been reassured in at least one facet of this situation but by far the hardest has still to come. I know I won't blow this off because it is a hard decision and an awkward one but I just dread beginning this whole process. I know it is soon. I'm not even worried about logistics, though that is usual. It is the relational struggles that are sure to follow.
Also I am unsure how I should deal with this on the level of outsiders. Certainly I want my friends to be aware, but can I disclose this to my high schoolers? I'm not afraid of what they, or their parents may think. I know my actions are correct and pure, but there could be talk about my friends who stay behind. I want to protect them, it is the least I can do. My decision is my own, and it doesn't and shouldn't reflect on them in a negative light. That is the worry I have. In no way is this decision meant to elevate me above anyone. Through all of this I want that to be understood. We are all in different situations and I think there are different ways to approach something like this. No right path, just our own. I know I have to follow mine, no matter how hasty and crazy it may seem. No matter the hurt, no matter the hardships.
I am grateful for one thing. Recently I've been having a hard time(understatement) in knowing for certain where I am supposed to be going, what I am supposed to be doing. But this was undeniable. It was completely clear. Ironically I wished for some sort of ambiguity to clout my judgment because I was afraid of what it meant. Since the outcome was far harder than what I wanted, I wished for the alternative. But I know now that I am so glad there is no mistake. A conversation with a fellow student last week about school suddenly comes to mind. I told him that "most of the time the struggle (in school) is not about how to do something, it is about knowing what to do on the spot." We know how to get to the conclusion, but if we don't know the way to the beginning then we can't ever get to the end.