Live

I'm not sure what it is about me, but I don't think I've ever been happy living with anyone. Now there is an natural tendency to jump from "me not being happy living with other people" to "me not liking the people I live with." It may sound like the same thing, but I promise it is different. I love the people I live with. Otherwise I would not live with them. But something inside me just goes steadily awry when I live with others.

Maybe I need more space than these living situations allow. I will admit I have been a part of some living arrangements that have been/are...tight. Not a lot of room. Maybe I am a goldfish.(to understand this reference go see Big Fish) But as I say this I am reminded of the house I lived in last year that was huge, more space than I wanted in fact, and I still felt this way. I would get on edge and the slightest thing fires me up. I remember yelling at my best friend because our laundry got mixed up on accident. Why did it matter? Who cares? I really don't like it because it sort of forces me to spend all my time elsewhere, so I don't feed these feelings and don't get riled up. I know that isn't the most forward way of dealing with it at all, but what I am supposed to say to my roommates: listen I like you, I just don't like living with you? I would have no idea what to say if that was told to me. Just writing about this makes my chest tighten a little, it makes me a little on edge.

I was talking to someone a while ago about this subject. I felt that I would really thrive living alone. There is no one to blame, or become resentful of. No one can annoy you or take up your space. But this person whom with I was sharing the conversation, though I can't remember who, thought this a rash decision at least for the time being. I remember them saying that since my time here in Bozeman is coming to a close, that I should make the most with the friends that I have and live with them, not apart. I see their point, but if all living with my friends did was create tension and separation than I am certainly not making the most of anything. But at the same time I will certainly not move out, that wouldn't be taken well by my roommates. Plus I don't want to move out. I like it here. I just have a difficult time doing it.

I really don't understand myself some of the time. Some things that are so fundamental like getting along with the people you live with seem to be completely absent in me. What happens if someday down the road I decide to live with someone for the rest of my life? Will this come back? Actually I'd rather not think about that, let that worry about itself.

-Bitter heart, bitter face
Broken child, broken vase
The room is cold, and growing dark
The sun is fading from the park
Darker still, there is no light
Don't give up, you've got to fight
Bitter heart, you've got to feel
Little child, you must kneel
In your hands, something begins to glow
Hold it to your chest, never let it go
Warm your soul, warm your night
Little child, it will be alright