The Passing of Music

Tonight I attended a concert put on by a family band of sorts. The Werner quartet is 4 kids, one boy and 3 girls ranging from 14 to 18 years old. First of all I was under the impression that the quartet only played cello. But to my surprise, all of the kids were not only exceptional cellists, but incredible pianists, and bass players. They constantly changed clothes, set and instruments. I really can't get over how amazing this really was. Each child played solo pieces, all of these were memorized, completely. Each player had truly unique styles from the others. Andree the youngest, was by far the most fun to watch. She was constantly moving rythmically to the music, she was probably the smoothest piano player of the bunch. Mariel the next oldest was the steady one, the backbone. She wasn't as magnanimous as Andree or as technical as the two oldest, but she was constant, nearly mistake free. She seemed content with being more in the background, but when she soloed she was quite good. Helene the second oldest was probably the most technical of the four. She was astounding. She loved to be at the front, and you sort of could tell. Luc, the oldest, he was the leader. Though not quite as technical as Helene he had that quality that cannot be attained with precision. He had IT. Anyway, it was during the concert that something dawned on me.
The idea of music, at least this kind has a great deal of heritage. What I mean is that it is passed down. I suppose the argument could be made that the family isn't all that impressive because they only attempt to recreate great works in music. But there is something about how they presented it all. They came out many different flashy, fun outfits; they were constantly changing instruments, sets. They not only mastered these pieces, some of them hundreds of years old, they managed to convey the same feeling behind the music all the while adding a modern theme. They made it their own and transformed it. They even made their own arrangements of some of the pieces to better fit their style and influences. The encore was the most fun.
They came out this time with electric cellos, a keyboard, a bass guitar and an electric guitar. Oh and sequined outfits and hair wigs. They played a set of Queen songs to close out the evening. As if what they showcased wasn't impressive enough, they proved that they could also excel at rock and roll. Luc played guitar like he had been playing as long as he had cello, but it was plain to see that he had picked it up recently. All this and for 6 bucks. I am speechless. What a night.

This Wasn't Supposed To End This Way

Gosh dangit. This is really superb timing. I mean as if my life wasn't complicated, confusing, and careening out of control on its own, then this had to happen. Have you ever been so hung up on a decision that you lose sleep over it? I laid awake for at least 2 hours the other night having a prolonged conniption fit over this. Nothing is never simple, I've found. And it is never as easy as I envision it to be it my mind. I have to leave, there is no doubting that. But on so many levels it seems impossible to. How can I leave on of my best friends behind for the last 2 months that he will be in Montana? What a way to end a year. How can I leave the two friends I have made in this house, knowing that in some capacity I am wounding them for their tolerance and brotherly love? How can I go and ask others to accommodate me, but wishing to keep the details rather vague? Even before all of that, how do I confront my roommate in a loving manner that I am moving out almost immediately because of his brother?
In those terrible hours spent alone in my room with my thoughts all I wanted to do was pack up, and leave in the middle of the night without a trace. It was maddening because in my extremely non-confrontational mind, I knew that would be by far the easiest option. But I also knew it was the only option I couldn't carry out. I knew that the hard road was the only road. Of course the next step in my head involved, as it always does, carrying out these scenarios of what could transpire between me and the people that are involved. They are inevitably negative, and absurd but none the less possible, at least in my mind. When sleep did finally come I was left with the thoughts that only the worst would come of this situation. Already I have been reassured in at least one facet of this situation but by far the hardest has still to come. I know I won't blow this off because it is a hard decision and an awkward one but I just dread beginning this whole process. I know it is soon. I'm not even worried about logistics, though that is usual. It is the relational struggles that are sure to follow.
Also I am unsure how I should deal with this on the level of outsiders. Certainly I want my friends to be aware, but can I disclose this to my high schoolers? I'm not afraid of what they, or their parents may think. I know my actions are correct and pure, but there could be talk about my friends who stay behind. I want to protect them, it is the least I can do. My decision is my own, and it doesn't and shouldn't reflect on them in a negative light. That is the worry I have. In no way is this decision meant to elevate me above anyone. Through all of this I want that to be understood. We are all in different situations and I think there are different ways to approach something like this. No right path, just our own. I know I have to follow mine, no matter how hasty and crazy it may seem. No matter the hurt, no matter the hardships.
I am grateful for one thing. Recently I've been having a hard time(understatement) in knowing for certain where I am supposed to be going, what I am supposed to be doing. But this was undeniable. It was completely clear. Ironically I wished for some sort of ambiguity to clout my judgment because I was afraid of what it meant. Since the outcome was far harder than what I wanted, I wished for the alternative. But I know now that I am so glad there is no mistake. A conversation with a fellow student last week about school suddenly comes to mind. I told him that "most of the time the struggle (in school) is not about how to do something, it is about knowing what to do on the spot." We know how to get to the conclusion, but if we don't know the way to the beginning then we can't ever get to the end.

No Know No Know

There are some people that we consider to know well and understand. But about this man, no one could say that they understood him. Rather they could say that they understood very well that they did not understand him at all. In this regard they find common ground with him. They know nothing about his circumstances though he has spoken about them countless times. We can reproduce the same details, same emotions from them, but no conclusions can be drawn leaving us for a loss. Is this alright? In a way it is always mysterious and leaves us very intrigued to hear these accounts. But what if anything do we ever gain? Is that the point, to gain something from them? On the one hand it is maddening to no end, living on the wrong side of this one-sided relationship. We receive volumes and anthologies full of nothing, or better nothing we are capable of understanding. I for one am not up to the challenge of wading through the jumbled life of someone else, at least not before sifting through mine own. I want to, but I can't. It doesn't take long but we begin to see this continual leaflet dropping as a front for actual communication, though it is not. Shortly following we(I) become bitter and choose to sever what appears to us as an already cut off friendship. But then it comes, a simple thoughtfulness from the other side. We thought it impossible, like Japanese soldiers singing carols on christmas night on the battlefield. Suddenly we don't know what to think. Then it seems all too likely that the other has no idea of the thoughts that have transpired on our part, and rightly so. So back to the beginning we go again. We must be left to our first conclusion and be satisfied: we understand that we don't understand at all. In some sort of twisted, unfulfilled way there is actually solace in that. I think, therefore I am...I admit to knowing nothing, therefore I know.

If this made sense to anyone, my hat is off to you. I don't quite understand it all myself. It is about everyone and about no one. Better put from the movie The Darjeeling Limited: "all the characters are fictional."