Forgotten Words

Let me say first that I am reluctant to publish this. I found this tucked away in a folder I made on my email. I wrote it over a month ago and forgot about it entirely. When I opened it up I realized I liked it a lot. The trouble is, this is a poor indicator of how I feel at the present. There isn't any hope in this piece of writing, if I could be a critic for a moment. I would say that is the biggest difference to my feelings then compared to my feelings now. I am much, much more hopeful. Anyway, I like it. This is more or less for me. This isn't a statement I am making. Writing doesn't always have little strings that connect to people and places and feelings. It can stand on its own, without latching on to objects that surround it. Sorry, one last thing and then on with it: it is really nice finding these little bits of writing. I seem to write on whatever I can get my hands on: school notebooks, emails, receipts, programs, you name it. Fun to find them and still like what I wrote.

Can’t Give Up

I was working all today, but I wasn’t at my job
No I was working on getting you out of my mind
Cause you’ve been stuck up there for so long
And I just can’t seem to get you out of there
Maybe it’s because I don’t want you to leave my mind,
just like I didn’t want you to leave my life
Why did you run?
I may never know
And why were you still outside my window every night after?
You didn’t discard me; you put me out of reach
That is what hurts me the most:
knowing you are there, but that I’ll never touch you again
At night I’m a wreck, all alone with my thoughts
And there is no one to tell me to relax, no one to calm me down
If there was some way to change your mind I don’t think I could do it
Cause even if I could convince you, you would still run, you always do
Maybe that was the problem: I tried to stop you from running
And that's what you’ve been doing since you left home
I even tried running with you for a while but you like running alone
So I’m left to walk through this world lost and lonely
If you ever get tired of running, know I’m waiting for you at home
Know I am here if you don’t want to go it alone

This is killing me
To have gotten so close only to be pushed away
With the offer of a different kind of closeness in the future
I don’t know if I can be that for you
I do know I can’t lose you altogether
But your friendship may hurt too much
To see your face and feel your presence might feel too much like the past
You are a memory I just can’t shake, a nightmare that won’t stop haunting me
What have you done to me?
Can you bear doing that to yourself?
Do the right choices have to hurt so much?

I’ve finally gotten better
It took time, a lot of deep breaths and taking things slow
But one thing hasn’t changed: the hurt I feel when I am around you
No matter how hard I try I still can’t shake the memory of us
When I see your face I remember all those nights we spent together
When you talk I can’t help but think of all the things you told me
And when you touch me I recall when you held me and told me to never let you go
I remember when I was the one you relied on to feel safe
I know now that I could not be the security you needed

The hurt will never go away, nor will it drive me away
Because being away from you hurts more
More than the feeling of failure, more than the feeling
That you were my all before you gave up on me
And even if the pain of being near you became too great to bear I would be unable to walk away
See I can’t give up on what little I have left, it is what I cling to

What a Beautiful Speedbump

Change is a funny thing. It comes without warning. It leaves everything a mess for you to pick up. It won't make decisions for you but will let you know that there is action to take. I experienced such a feeling last week. I'm surprised that I heard that quiet voice annoyingly scratching at me. I was zoning out while a recruiter for grad school was giving a speech, and suddenly everything he had been saying for the last half hour made me stop and say "hey wait I don't want to do that!" It was there and then that I realized I needed to get off the path I had been following. The prize, the goal for which I have been working towards for the last 3 1/2 years seems to have been misguided. Slowly but surely my focus and interest in chemistry has turned slightly off course. What once intrigued me is now boring and inconsequential. And suddenly I found myself listening to this man's words fiercely: "you want your PhD work to be meaningful...otherwise you will be miserable." I sure don't want to be miserable. But he also in so many words was saying: "Matt, this and every other program in the country has nothing to offer you." Change is needed.
Now in the 3 days since this gut feeling hit I have made the following conclusions:
- Drastic, and immediate change is not necessary. I don't need to quit school and travel the world to find what will inspire me. I am actually seeking a change to another major in the same department.
- I have actually been wanting to make changes to my academic goals for some time. I have been unhappy at the lack to diversity in classes that I've been taking leading up to my chemistry degree. Now that I have a solid, unflinching feeling that I need to change, I can put my money where my mouth is.
- Finally I need spend a lot more time thinking about this, getting advice, and most of all keeping calm.
Today I was trying to get an idea of what changing my major would do on my goals for the future. In a matter of minutes I was completely worked up, questioning why I had been going to school at all if I hadn't been sure. I was suddenly enraged that I was ruining plans that I had made, and even plans I hadn't. In a way, not having the freedom of a set future was gnawing at me. Feeling that you are not in control is scary. I seemed to be saying to myself: "you are just a kid, what have you been doing making decisions on your own? What makes you think you are capable of following through?" But really anxiety just carries me away and once I settled down I realized that all was not lost. Sure things won't go the way I wanted, that is life. And life was also precisely the thing that I was dreading, as my undergraduate career was winding down. I was lamenting having to leave Bozeman (which I will). I was really unhappy to leave behind the people and the relationships I've formed, many of which are very new and not yet full-grown. I hate putting time in to getting to know someone and then turning around and saying: "well that was nice, but I've got my own life waiting for me and it doesn't involve you." Sure moving doesn't condemn a friendship but it create a new barrier to get around.
Obviously I have a lot to think about and time and patience will be absolutely necessary. But it's my life right? I gotta do what I gotta do. Don't misunderstand, I am very excited about this. Having to look at my life has shown me exactly what I do care about. I look forward to making changes and the struggle of this complication. What an awesome misstep, what a beautiful speedbump.

The Abyss

I had this idea in my head, but without also presenting my stream of consciousness at the time with this idea, it would have sounded random. So I began to write a story around this idea. But in this process, the story got bigger and bigger and I found myself diverging from my idea. Needless to say I was not pleased with this. But I resolved to finish the story for the sake of completeness. So if you wish, and I would, please just scroll down to the paragraph with the asterisks around it and read that section. Honestly it is the only section that counts. It may not may make the most sense, but you have the rest of the story to refer to if you really are itching to know how that section fits it. I swear, the lengths we go to convey an idea.

Once upon a time, in a land far, far away: there lived two strangers. Each lived a great distance away from the other. Every so often the time came for one of these strangers, we'll call her Deanna, to travel. The reason for her journey was related to her work as a doctor. In this land modern medicine hadn't yet been discovered, and most medicine was derived from plants. Deanna had been completing her annual inventory of the various medicines that she kept stocked. This year she was shocked to find that her supply of Dromalia flowers(an acute remedy for infections that plagued wounds) had been ruined due to a water leak in her cellar, where she kept her most rare and vital medicine. This was especially troubling because the Dromalia flower did not grow in the area in which Deanna lived. In fact the journey was so arduous that she had only twice completed the journey. Several failed attempts forced her to make the most out of trip, collecting the absolute amount of Dromalia as well as any other plants that she might find on the way that would be of use. Before water damage had destroyed Deanna's supply, there was enough of the flower to last nearly 5 years. Now she had nothing, and had no choice but to gather more to ensure that any infections would be treated before spreading and causing complications. So Deanna set out, traveling light for speed and not for surplus.

The other character in our story is a girl by the name of Chamry. Chamry set out on a trip of her own, a few days before Deanna departed. However Chamry's reason for leaving the comfort of home was not as directed as Deanna's. To be more accurate, Chamry ran away from home. Despite being a model child and at that being very loved among her other 5 siblings, she became restless. Chamry's life thus far had consisted of a warm and happy existence in which she was safe from harm and every form of vice and evil.

Recently Chamry had begun to feel this security suffocating her. She intuitively felt that shielding her from the world was actually hurting her and not helping. Chamry needed to experience something real, anything. So without warning she packed a small satchel with provisions and walked out the front door. This was a bold and daring step, however it was almost certainly a stupid one. Due to the heavy pampering from her loving parents, Chamry had learn little to nothing about survival in nature. She knew nothing about her surroundings, nothing. Just a little ways from her home, the landscape looked completely foreign. She had no idea of what animals lived in the forest, what plants she could eat, where to make good shelter, again nothing. To her credit she was a fast learner and a determined being.

After a week of aimless wandering, Chamry began to gain her bearings and now traveled west, following the sun into the horizon. After only a couple of days on this path, the world around Chamry changed dramatically. She found herself in a barren land. There was scarcely any vegetation in sight. The air felt thin, as if she was at an elevation much higher than her home. It wasn't long before Chamry came to a vast chasm, an abyss in the earth. It was not only very deep but it seemed to extent across the entire land. Under different circumstances Chamry probably would have simply found another route on her rambling journey. But something stirred within her to cross this gap, this break in the world. Chamry began walking along the edge of this huge canyon and suddenly became aware that she wasn't alone. Looking across the divide, she would see a woman, older than her also looking across.

***

As Deanna looked out in front of her she spotted someone who shared her plight. Apparently this girl that she could see across the way also needed to cross. Why, Deanna did not know, to a point the why didn't matter. What mattered was that both were in a discouraging position. You see there was no visible or imaginative way of crossing in sight. It was too wide for bridges to have been built, there were no trees or vines to possibly use to either traveler's advantage. The walls of the canyon were sheer, and no way to get down.

*So there they were: two strangers separated by a vast gap and no way to get over. But still each desperately wanted to get across. No, they needed to get to the other side. But they had no idea where to even start. Neither had been in such a situation before. There was no turning back however. Neither would be deterred from this challenge. With timidity and little hope, the two strangers began talking. They found a spot where the gap was small enough to hear the other. Through this they learned about the other: how they had came to this place and from where. More importantly they learned why the other needed to get over to the other side. Now don't be fooled this was a slow process, and at times it was not easy. From an outside perspective it did not turn out well for them. For after all their effort they did not find a way across and both were sent home empty handed. However if we able to ask them about how the journey had end up, I imagine both would have been ecstatic. Something much more valuable than their own selfish(however noble) motives were after was gained. For once they were not centered and they became devoted to someone else. For once they were foiled in their plan that they had been pursuing. It was then that the two strangers felt alive and felt free.*

So Deanna did not come home with the medicine, but she consorted with doctors from towns on the way home and eventually found a comparable substitute for her herb that she was after. And Chamry returned to her family, and for the first time she accepted and cherished the love that her parents showed her. She also learned to find adventure in her life, while still being under her parents protection.

In a way, both Chamry and Deanna did get across the abyss. Both got what they wanted, they just didn't know what they were searching for.

Camping Conundrum

So this past weekend myself as well as a bunch of friends who are Young Life leaders went up to the mountains just outside of Yellowstone. Today I was looking at pictures and was struck. A certain picture of our fire at night caught my eye. I don't believe that I am alone when I say that fire is one of the most captivating phenomenon in the world. Think about it: wherever there is fire, there are people staring, mesmerized. Why is that exactly? On the one hand it is just fire, it's not like anyone is new to the sight. And yet we keep staring, as if when it dies out we will never again see the flames lick the air, or hear the crackle of the wood. We keep staring as though within the fire lies some hidden treasure, and if we look away for a minute or blink we will miss it. The question that still crosses my mind is simply what is fire? Yes I know that fire is the combustion of oxygen. But what kind of an answer is that? Science(as much as I have learned thus far) has fallen horribly short at categorizing this element of the earth. Because you cannot capture fire like you can a wild flower . You cannot collect a specimen of fire like a butterfly. All you can do is sustain a fire. You can keep it going with fuel and ideal weather conditions. But what is it? Sometimes the destructive power of fire is lost on me when I see it blown by the wind, seemingly as delicate as a feather. I think that our place here on earth becomes quite clear when with all our knowledge, technology, and history we are limited to describing fire as feebly as "fire is fire." Fire is a fact, a constant that is to be accepted, not challenged. Perhaps the task of breaking down fire is too daunting, and also maybe fire should be left alone. Afterall, who regrets the no doubt countless hours spent burning holes into the firelight, so to speak. Who doesn't enjoy the mystery that fire still poses? That enigma is a riddle I have and will continue to come back to again and again. With my blank stare and mouth agape, I will ponder fire and all that it holds.

Clean Slate

Well, here goes nothing. While something tells me that I will most likely be the only one who enjoys these posts, I do give permission for others to read, comment, and learn about me through these. I think to start off my blogging experience I will write a song that I've been mulling over in my head for a while. It has no title as of yet, but I think it speaks for itself.

(guy)So now that we've taken a fall
You will take them all
To the places we would go
And do the things we used to do
Did all that mean anything to you?

(girl)Now when I look at you
You don't see me
No you look right on through
I use these words to calm you
But you just block me out
What am I supposed to do,
Did all that mean anything to you?

(both)Lord we shared so much
But now it hurts to touch
On those memories of bein' in the summer breeze
Was that pleasure worth this pain?
Is there any point in singing this refrain?
Did all that mean anything to you?

(both)I'm not asking you to fess up
But if I ask you one more time
And if your answer is yes,
Well I'll forget this whole mess
So, did all that mean anything to you?

Did all that mean everything to you?
Did all that mean everything to you?

There is just something about writing a song in the heat of the moment I guess you could say. Even though my feelings will inevitably change towards what I was writing about, I would never change the words. They stand as a marker, a milestone in my life. At that moment, they were right and anytime they are visited again they are still correct because they still live in that moment.