Are You Kidding Me?

Well Brianne told my I hadn't blogged in a while, so I went back and looked at my huge folder of drafts and I saw this one. It is old, about a month. It is basically a summary of the semester for me. Nothing special I suppose, but I must say I like this one. I like it because I think I did a decent job of capturing my feelings at the time. I also like it because I've moved far past this and I feel great, for the first time in a long time. So enjoy, if such a feeling is possible from reading someone's blog

hmm another semester come and gone. But this one was quite different from the rest. I suppose they all stand on their own but this one diverges from the classic mold a bit. First I don't think I've ever been so sleep deprived in my life. I hadn't really considered myself a night owl, but this semester seemed like every week I was experiencing way too much life between the hours of 2 am to 4 am. I got really good at napping. Really good. It was very commonplace for me to nap on campus for at least 2 hours at time at least once a week. A couple weeks ago I napped for 3 hours. Is that really napping at that point? Anyway I also think this semester has been the least appealing academic wise. For starters my best grade is going to be in the class that I did the least amount of work for. In fact that trend goes along for all my classes. I'm getting the worst grade in a class that I busted my butt in. WTF? I don't know I haven't been the best student this semester. But that is always a possibility when you are depressed. Oh yeah, I was pretty unhappy for the majority of this semester. I don't know if I can say depressed, but unhappy for sure. It's not like I walked around everywhere with a frowny-face, I had lots of fun, but when all was said and done the resounding feeling inside me was discontent, sadness. Looking back it seems to have stemmed from several things. Mostly it was my desire coupled with the inability to change certain situations around me. It just seems like my core group of friends has fallen apart this semester. It's not because we are all busy and moved away from each other or whatnot. That is bull. Some issues have arose, and for some reason no one wants to fix them, work at them. We all had fun in the summer, but the summer is over now. I don't get it. You have to get over it, be flexible and willing to admit fault. You need to forgive and start over sometimes. I've said this before and I'll say it again: if friendships can be wrecked that easily then they were never real at all, it was a front. But I think that deep down we know that they were and real and we are just being stubborn for no reason. Sometimes, and only for brief moments, I wish I had a Dr. Phil personality that just wanted to be the mediator and get people together and work things out. But another observation I've made about this semester is that things work themselves out on a timeline that we can't see or predict. That is a big reason why I was sad: I couldn't accept that I was unable to just snap my fingers and fix my problems. I got discouraged when my efforts towards redemption and reconciliation were thwarted, seemingly. In turn I stopped making the effort. I remember many times lying in my bed not getting up for the day. I didn't get up because I was tired or needed my sleep, rather I didn't have the will to get up. I was paralyzed by this feeling that there was no reason that could justify my getting up, there was no point. Afterall if I got up I would have to face these hardships that we certainly waiting outside my door.