8 years ago
Saturday, July 10, 2010
Beautiful,Tangled Mess
I feel like life right now is a beautiful, tangled mess between me, God and a girl. But it resembles less a horrid knot of christmas lights, and more like two vines weaving together around a massive tree. I see it this way because the vines are growing more tangled together-but each alone, or even just the two together can grow no higher. They need the support, strength, and the direction of the tree to go any further. But in my mind I can't see the end to how far the vines grow. I cannot see whether or not the vines will continue to tangle up in each other or if they will at some point down the road take separate paths up the tree. But I do know that what is forming now is not merely a brief encounter of something amazing but I life-long bond that is forming. Again I cannot say for certain how it will play out. But everything points to forever. Forever together or forever friends, only God knows, but I do believe forever will be in there somewhere. And that is a wonderful feeling.
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
Bad Timing
Well here I am again: the victim of bad timing
This is quickly becoming a cruel joke
Oh, you want to leave? Are you sure? How about...now?
Some piece of me thinks this came about the moment I decided to leave
In any case it's messing with me head
When am I going to be there?
When it becomes easy? or when I find someone worth the struggle?
It seems that you never know that before the struggle begins
And the craziest thing: I think I'm more afraid that this could be something amazing
Why in the world would I be afraid of that?
Who hopes for anything less than that?
This isn't exactly good for someone who can't ignore the questions "what if? what might have been?"
Nor is it good for someone who in the past has acted without regard for what it will do to their heart
I also wonder if there will ever be any perfect situation
I could end up waiting my whole life for that to come
But what is the converse of that: changing all your plans for something that is uncertain
-Neither extreme sounds very good, so what is the balance?
I feel dizzy, but I'm not indifferent or indecisive...but I very well may have no clue.
This is quickly becoming a cruel joke
Oh, you want to leave? Are you sure? How about...now?
Some piece of me thinks this came about the moment I decided to leave
In any case it's messing with me head
When am I going to be there?
When it becomes easy? or when I find someone worth the struggle?
It seems that you never know that before the struggle begins
And the craziest thing: I think I'm more afraid that this could be something amazing
Why in the world would I be afraid of that?
Who hopes for anything less than that?
This isn't exactly good for someone who can't ignore the questions "what if? what might have been?"
Nor is it good for someone who in the past has acted without regard for what it will do to their heart
I also wonder if there will ever be any perfect situation
I could end up waiting my whole life for that to come
But what is the converse of that: changing all your plans for something that is uncertain
-Neither extreme sounds very good, so what is the balance?
I feel dizzy, but I'm not indifferent or indecisive...but I very well may have no clue.
Thursday, April 1, 2010
Not Someone Else, Me
At this time of year I've often reflected upon what You suffered. Sometimes seeking recreations and interpretations in cinema, other times in literature, or even just reading the accounts. But it has always been me looking from an outside perspective, going back thousands of years to those events. But tonight I was there.
It was not your close friend that greeted you with a kiss of betrayal, it was me. I traded You for a trivial sum: enough to warrant the deed, but not nearly enough to stop the hurt.
It was not the Roman guards, drunk enough to carry out the task of tearing your flesh. It was me. I became so drunk on the sins of the world that I did not even realize I was ripping my Lord to pieces.
It was not your confidant and mentee that denied You to save his own skin, that of course was me. Somehow all that You showed me and promised me faded in the wake of accusation and I chose to forget You and every wondrous sign you gave, every truthful word you spoke.
But what sickens me, what destroys me, and what stops me dead in my tracks is this: I see quite clearly that it was not some stranger from a foreign power who tacked you to that tree. IT WAS ME. I took your arm, I remember how you did not resist as I plunged the nail in. The pain from one blow was extreme, but I did not stop until your arm held fast. Surely you will fight to keep the other arm free. It lays there, complying in love. I pour my sins into the second nail, leaving no chance for your escape. Surely I've no more death in me to finish the job. But my sin wells within me anew and I amply pound your feet firmly to the support.
That day I robbed life from the one that gives life. But in that horrible nausea of the image of you I am comforted. The heap I lay in from the aftermath you restore. What was sure to condemn me forever has set me free. Still at times I wonder who you did it all for. Though I may never know why, let me always see, that you did it all for me.
It was not your close friend that greeted you with a kiss of betrayal, it was me. I traded You for a trivial sum: enough to warrant the deed, but not nearly enough to stop the hurt.
It was not the Roman guards, drunk enough to carry out the task of tearing your flesh. It was me. I became so drunk on the sins of the world that I did not even realize I was ripping my Lord to pieces.
It was not your confidant and mentee that denied You to save his own skin, that of course was me. Somehow all that You showed me and promised me faded in the wake of accusation and I chose to forget You and every wondrous sign you gave, every truthful word you spoke.
But what sickens me, what destroys me, and what stops me dead in my tracks is this: I see quite clearly that it was not some stranger from a foreign power who tacked you to that tree. IT WAS ME. I took your arm, I remember how you did not resist as I plunged the nail in. The pain from one blow was extreme, but I did not stop until your arm held fast. Surely you will fight to keep the other arm free. It lays there, complying in love. I pour my sins into the second nail, leaving no chance for your escape. Surely I've no more death in me to finish the job. But my sin wells within me anew and I amply pound your feet firmly to the support.
That day I robbed life from the one that gives life. But in that horrible nausea of the image of you I am comforted. The heap I lay in from the aftermath you restore. What was sure to condemn me forever has set me free. Still at times I wonder who you did it all for. Though I may never know why, let me always see, that you did it all for me.
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
Buried Beneath a Thousand Pictures
I dug myself a big hole in 2009 with my new camera. I took an outrageous amount of pictures but seem to have been left with a dismal amount of pictures I like, or that are worth showing. But here are some from Christmas break. All shamelessly edited but I like the results. Also I've resolved never to shoot in RAW again. For all the effort, I didn't gain a noticeable advantage.
I must have taken 400 pictures of Rainier over the 7 days I was home. But since that view is from my parents house, it wasn't that hard to do. I was and still am enamored with that mountain.
Love this one. Dirty but I really like the dark frame the clouds above and the trees below give the mountain.
HDR shot, I tried to keep this one as modest as possible.
Another HDR pic, this one just got worse and worse as I tried to get it back to normal but when I gave up on it I realized I liked it. A lot.
Night shot of Butte, MT with the old mine scaffolding lit up in red. I didn't even plan on cars and semi trucks passing put it made for some cool shots.
Finally Butte gave me a reason to stop, even for 10 minutes instead of just driving through
I must have taken 400 pictures of Rainier over the 7 days I was home. But since that view is from my parents house, it wasn't that hard to do. I was and still am enamored with that mountain.
Love this one. Dirty but I really like the dark frame the clouds above and the trees below give the mountain.
HDR shot, I tried to keep this one as modest as possible.
Another HDR pic, this one just got worse and worse as I tried to get it back to normal but when I gave up on it I realized I liked it. A lot.
Night shot of Butte, MT with the old mine scaffolding lit up in red. I didn't even plan on cars and semi trucks passing put it made for some cool shots.
Finally Butte gave me a reason to stop, even for 10 minutes instead of just driving through
Sunday, January 10, 2010
So This is the New Year
Ok. I'm working on 3 things this year:
reading one book every week
posting every week
using as few words as possible on my posts
For now, here are two thoughts.
"Family Time" - This is the small group my brother attends at Pepperdine. Incredible group. A model for wrestling in prayer and petitioning for each other. An infamous group, frequented by complete strangers but treated as brothers. In an hour's time I felt like I really had missed out on something going to a public(secular school,) yet was encouraged knowing my brother was a part of this group.
I just read Love Beyond Reason by John Ortberg to begin my goal of 52 books in 52 weeks.
I cried at every turn of the page.
reading one book every week
posting every week
using as few words as possible on my posts
For now, here are two thoughts.
"Family Time" - This is the small group my brother attends at Pepperdine. Incredible group. A model for wrestling in prayer and petitioning for each other. An infamous group, frequented by complete strangers but treated as brothers. In an hour's time I felt like I really had missed out on something going to a public(secular school,) yet was encouraged knowing my brother was a part of this group.
I just read Love Beyond Reason by John Ortberg to begin my goal of 52 books in 52 weeks.
I cried at every turn of the page.
I had to put it down several times and collect myself.
I'm quite sure that when I re-read it in the future I won't have the same response. But somehow it was precisely what I needed to hear at this moment. It broke me. Its words compel me. I do wish to pass it on to others, but I can't guarantee it will have the same effect. In any case, I've missed reading and cannot wait to devour much more this year.
Tuesday, December 8, 2009
Breathe
I lay silent and a word comes
breathe
I comply and more follows
breathe, because when you breathe, you breathe me
(confused)But all I'm doing is breathing. Still the simple reply insists
breathe
(agitated)But there is so much I need to say, so much I need to do to make things right
breathe
(exasperated)But, but...I can't handle it. It isn't enough just to breathe. How can you ask for so little from me? It isn't a choice to breathe or not to, it isn't up to me. What does this prove?
breathe
Though not complete, merely a word in amongst a multitude of pages, the answer comes.
To breathe is to realize that I am in you. But you cannot breathe me out. You can only stop breathing. You choose to breathe me in but now I am with you. Now you never have to fear. But if you do fear, you only have to breathe to feel the comfort I bring.
I am all you will ever need, so all you need to do is breathe.
breathe
I comply and more follows
breathe, because when you breathe, you breathe me
(confused)But all I'm doing is breathing. Still the simple reply insists
breathe
(agitated)But there is so much I need to say, so much I need to do to make things right
breathe
(exasperated)But, but...I can't handle it. It isn't enough just to breathe. How can you ask for so little from me? It isn't a choice to breathe or not to, it isn't up to me. What does this prove?
breathe
Though not complete, merely a word in amongst a multitude of pages, the answer comes.
To breathe is to realize that I am in you. But you cannot breathe me out. You can only stop breathing. You choose to breathe me in but now I am with you. Now you never have to fear. But if you do fear, you only have to breathe to feel the comfort I bring.
I am all you will ever need, so all you need to do is breathe.
Monday, October 5, 2009
Saturday, August 29, 2009
Heart-broken All Over Again
One of the most significant events of the summer for me was taking my high school friends to YL camp in Minnesota. It's funny how much I get ahead of myself with expectations. Leading up to camp I was already thinking about my month of summer staff that would follow the week with my own kids. I had no idea what I was in store for.
The assignment team at Castaway very well may have been the best I've ever seen. By best I do not necessarily mean the funniest program, or the most outgoing, magnanimous, people. But I do mean I believe that more time, effort, deep thought and preparation went into the speaker's talks, the cabin time set-up, and Life Signs than any other week I've experienced. I must admit I was not expecting near this much when I met the speaker: a paltry woman with a quiet voice. In my head I thought "how will kids be able to relate to her? Better yet how can she relate to kids?!"
Simply put, she was on top of her game. Every talk had the most concise use of multimedia, illustrating her message so well. It was most impressive when she would use videos and songs present in high school culture that reveal the truth of the fallen world we live in. After showing the music video for "Dead and Gone" with T.I. and Justin Timberlake she led the whole clubroom in singing the chorus from the song a capella. My jaw dropped. I'd heard the song many times and it never occurred to me, I missed it. "Oh, I've been traveling down this road too long//Just trying to find my way back home//The old me is dead and gone, dead and gone" Hearing 400 people singing that refrain is powerful.
More impressive that that was how she let the high schoolers interact in ways I've never seen before. Along with the usual questions following a talk, crayons and paper were provided. This allowed kids not drawn in by discussion to express their thoughts with art, writing significant phrases from the talk or just what they were feeling. It blew my mind to see the artistry, the deep thought that went into these works...from snot-nosed teenagers. I can see why Christ made it clear that the youth of this world are precious in his sight.
But what really hit a nerve, what really broke my heart was when they showed a Post Secret video and following the video provided index cards and pens for anyone who wanted to write an anonymous secret to do so. Somewhere between 150 and 200 kids wrote secrets. The assignment team said they got together after and read all of them and cried for close to an hour over these. At our next leader meeting they had a condensed version to show the leaders and I was just broken down right there and then. I can't speak for other leaders, but when kids don't tell me that they are hurting I often don't think that they are. But my goodness they are hurting. If ever I thought that high schoolers are doing ok, life isn't that bad for them...that illusion is gone. The next day Annie (the speaker) showed that same condensed version for the kids. With tears in her eyes and her voice trembling she said it so tenderly and honest: "I am so sorry. This was never supposed to be this way."
I never want to forget what I saw and felt that week. I need to remember that. But I can't stay in that place feeling helpless for them. I must react and ask God to help use that to spur me on.
Simply put, she was on top of her game. Every talk had the most concise use of multimedia, illustrating her message so well. It was most impressive when she would use videos and songs present in high school culture that reveal the truth of the fallen world we live in. After showing the music video for "Dead and Gone" with T.I. and Justin Timberlake she led the whole clubroom in singing the chorus from the song a capella. My jaw dropped. I'd heard the song many times and it never occurred to me, I missed it. "Oh, I've been traveling down this road too long//Just trying to find my way back home//The old me is dead and gone, dead and gone" Hearing 400 people singing that refrain is powerful.
More impressive that that was how she let the high schoolers interact in ways I've never seen before. Along with the usual questions following a talk, crayons and paper were provided. This allowed kids not drawn in by discussion to express their thoughts with art, writing significant phrases from the talk or just what they were feeling. It blew my mind to see the artistry, the deep thought that went into these works...from snot-nosed teenagers. I can see why Christ made it clear that the youth of this world are precious in his sight.
But what really hit a nerve, what really broke my heart was when they showed a Post Secret video and following the video provided index cards and pens for anyone who wanted to write an anonymous secret to do so. Somewhere between 150 and 200 kids wrote secrets. The assignment team said they got together after and read all of them and cried for close to an hour over these. At our next leader meeting they had a condensed version to show the leaders and I was just broken down right there and then. I can't speak for other leaders, but when kids don't tell me that they are hurting I often don't think that they are. But my goodness they are hurting. If ever I thought that high schoolers are doing ok, life isn't that bad for them...that illusion is gone. The next day Annie (the speaker) showed that same condensed version for the kids. With tears in her eyes and her voice trembling she said it so tenderly and honest: "I am so sorry. This was never supposed to be this way."
I never want to forget what I saw and felt that week. I need to remember that. But I can't stay in that place feeling helpless for them. I must react and ask God to help use that to spur me on.
Tuesday, August 4, 2009
Prayer
7-7-09
I've never felt so helpless as when I saw you sitting there crying. It seemed pointless when I asked you if you were ok. But that helplessness gave way to the only thing I could do: pray. I pray that God can heal you, and he will. I may never know what happened but God is faithful. GOD. IS. FAITHFUL.
I know you are here for a reason, do you? I know there is a reason why you are still here. I hope you find the reasons. God will make you whole again. Then you will never be the same
I've never felt so helpless as when I saw you sitting there crying. It seemed pointless when I asked you if you were ok. But that helplessness gave way to the only thing I could do: pray. I pray that God can heal you, and he will. I may never know what happened but God is faithful. GOD. IS. FAITHFUL.
I know you are here for a reason, do you? I know there is a reason why you are still here. I hope you find the reasons. God will make you whole again. Then you will never be the same
Sunday, May 3, 2009
Is Your Mom as BA as My Mom? uh...no
Okay if you don't know my mom and maybe even if you do, she is a daredevil. No joke. It is unlikely that you will meet a tougher, push-the-limit, no-guts-no-glory woman...ever. I cannot tell you how many times I've gotten the call like I did this morning from my dad: "Before you say anything, she's okay...but your mom is in the hospital."
When I was little mom fell off of a ladder and got a compound fracture in her wrist. She had to get external pins that were held together with what looked like a robot arm that was sticking out of her skin. Awesome.
A few years ago she knocked herself out cold snowboarding. On the way down she was complaining that the backboard hurt more than her head.
Today was no different. She changed her tire on her mountain bike at home, but forgot to reattach the back brake. They live on a huge hill in Gig Harbor that leads to a major road. Well by the time she realizes she doesn't have her back brake she knows she has to stop before she gets side swiped by a car. So logically she locks up on her front brake, sending her flying(I'm thinking full flip onto her face, because that is what she landed on.) Helmet on but still knocked unconscious. An innocent passerby stops and calls an ambulance, and by the time my dad gets word back at home she is already loaded up and headed to the ER. In the end: out of the hospital by the end of the day with a broken collarbone, cut open upper lip, and a neck brace for 5 days before her next visit with the doctor. Oh yeah she turns 55 next week. Beat that. I doubt you can. Man I love my mom, no fear. Can't wait to see her for graduation.
When I was little mom fell off of a ladder and got a compound fracture in her wrist. She had to get external pins that were held together with what looked like a robot arm that was sticking out of her skin. Awesome.
A few years ago she knocked herself out cold snowboarding. On the way down she was complaining that the backboard hurt more than her head.
Today was no different. She changed her tire on her mountain bike at home, but forgot to reattach the back brake. They live on a huge hill in Gig Harbor that leads to a major road. Well by the time she realizes she doesn't have her back brake she knows she has to stop before she gets side swiped by a car. So logically she locks up on her front brake, sending her flying(I'm thinking full flip onto her face, because that is what she landed on.) Helmet on but still knocked unconscious. An innocent passerby stops and calls an ambulance, and by the time my dad gets word back at home she is already loaded up and headed to the ER. In the end: out of the hospital by the end of the day with a broken collarbone, cut open upper lip, and a neck brace for 5 days before her next visit with the doctor. Oh yeah she turns 55 next week. Beat that. I doubt you can. Man I love my mom, no fear. Can't wait to see her for graduation.
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